On top of the atomic bomb|Holden's Journal

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Friday, December 28th 2007


It's 1 am. I can't sleep. It's IMPOSSIBLE to sleep in this place, for chrissake... So I'm writing in this damn notebook. They said it would benefit me since I don't talk much during group. Whatever. I'm just bored as hell.

I've been here for 5 days. Christmas was okay here, except for the morbid feelings that followed. It was definitely better than being on suicide watch for two days straight. Watch out, I might stab myself in the neck with this pen! Give me a break, I had a bad moment. That's all it was. Get over it. I have.

The first time I ate with everyone was on Christmas, the food is horrible here. It's weird being here. Everyone knows everybody and I don't know anybody at all. It's kind of lonely, to tell you the truth. I was expecting a bunch of crazies running around but it's not like that at all. Some people seem really smart. There is this guy named Scott though who likes to hide people's shoes for some reason and he sometimes throws them at people passing by, almost hit me in the fucking nose yesterday. If I hadn't ducked I'd be breathing through a straw now. I don't know what his problem is. It's kind of sad actually, a person thinking that's the most fun thing they can do.

Girls and boys sleep on separate sides of the hallway. We're together almost all the time though. The only thing I kind of like is rec therapy. I like watching other people do stuff. There's this girl that creates the most amazing paintings. I don't know her name. At least, not yet. During school time I just lay around in my room. It lasts forever and I'm bored and lonely as fuck the entire time. Almost makes me wish I actually died, I swear.

My roommate hasn't spoken to me yet, if you can believe it. He's been here for 10 days and hasn't said a word to anyone. I tried talking to him but he ignores me. His name is Mark or Mick or Matt or something, I didn't catch it. The shrinks annoy the shit out of me. I have to talk about the side effects of the meds I'm taking every frickin' morning. They don't ask you anything. I heard that mental health prof's do that instead. I haven't been to one yet. A couple of people have told me I should, something about an evaluation in 3 weeks. Whatever.

I'm gonna try to go to sleep now. It's superdifficult to sleep cause they check on you all the time during the night, privacy doesn't exist in this place. Also, my roommate snores like a damn truck. I wonder if his dreams are mute too. The poor bastard. I can't blame him for not wanting to talk to me anyway, I've been a poor bastard too the past few days. The Hospital of Poor Bastards, that's what this place should be called.

Off to bed now... again.

~HC[/i]

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Sunday, December 30th 2007


“Got a cigarette?“



Those were the first words I heard her say. It was a joke, of course. A popular one I guess because I overheard her asking the nurse that gives out meds the same thing. Silly little woman, that nurse, with her half-scolding, half-joking tone. A bit different than the other ones here, who seem to have a stick up their ass.

Anyway, her name is Becca… Becks, if you will. I thought it was strange when she said she hates her name being shortened from Rebecca to Becky, but I decided not to say anything. I told her that I'm dying for a cigarette myself. She was in the middle of painting this really sick dragon during rec. Now I'm not a… sexist or whatever you call it, but for a girl she's got a pretty dark imagination. I mentioned that I'm dying for a drink too, but she just kept on painting. When she was done she turned the canvas toward me and the dragon had a pack of cigarettes in one claw and a drink in the other. Fuck, it blew me out the window.

I skipped talking during group today. 3rd time I've done this. They didn't say anything but I could tell they weren't happy about it. I don't really see the difference, I don't say much when I talk either. Becca sat across me during dinner later and asked: “Why don't you talk to one of the pros? I think Jo is pretty good, although many will disagree because your stay might get prolonged… which is what you're heading for anyway if you don't start to cooperate.“ Does this girl ever start her wordy conversations with a 'hi'? I glanced at the pro she was talking about, this pompous looking guy talking to a wallflower woman wearing glasses. I said something like: “That guy? No, thanks.“

She then explained that Jo is short for Jolene. Jolene Carrington, the wallflower woman talking to the pompous guy. She seemed nice enough and I told her I'd think about it, although I really don't want to talk to any of them. I don't even know why the hell I told her I would to tell you the truth, she was just gazing at me with those eyes as she awaited her answer. First her paintings, then her way of speaking, then her flawless face… I guess I wasn't thinking. I changed the subject to jonesin' for a cigarette again cause I didn't feel like lying anymore and she showed me this pamphlet the nurse gave her this morning. It shows all the crap a cigarette is made of, as if she thought they were made out of candy and rainbows. I guess she was trying to gross her out. She told me I could have it, and I stuck it in here out of boredom.

The 'poor bastard' is still on mute, no wonder I'm writing this damn thing again. I still don't know his name. He still snores. I still can't sleep. Nothing's changed really, except a pretty girl wants me to talk to someone named Jolene Carrington, who ironically has the word 'caring' in her surname. Isn't her name a song as well..? Whatever, doesn't matter.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, I wonder if it will be as grim as Christmas was... Off to count sheep.

~HC[/i]

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Wednesday, January 2nd 2008


Made it through the 1st week (and a half). Still grim as always.

I wonder what my parents have been telling their country club friends. Am I on winter vacation somewhere? I actually don't care. I just wonder. This place is all fancy and bubbly, top quality care, so they say. It's also in another time zone. Funny how things work, hmm? Hysterical. I hate it when people call things that aren't funny 'funny'. People say a lot of stupid things without even realizing it sometimes.

The reason I'm mentioning my folks is because they're coming to see me this weekend. They've been calling me lately, I guess my mother is worried again. I just care about seeing Phoebe, to tell you the truth. D.B. stops by every now and then with that movie star weak-bladdered girlfriend of his. I can't blame her, if I were a visitor here I'd want to run to the bathroom myself. I'd want to be able to go, anyway. They were here just yesterday. It's weird to see old and new people here at the same time. It would be even weirder to talk about them and then see them. Which is why I pick not talking about them. There's a lot of weird stuff going on here already.

I'm not calling Jane. I've been thinking about it the last few weeks. I don't know what things are going to be like when I get out of here… I don't know if anyone has told her where I am. I don't want her to know, honestly. People never describe things as they are anyway, they always blow things up or try to make them seem like it's not a big deal. I would probably lie about it too. I always end up lying. I can't help it.

Sometimes, when Becca gets really serious, she reminds me of Jane. Scary girl. Cheerful while chatting casually to the staff but stares right through you while talking to you. Even when she smiles, her eyes seem dead. Two dead hazel circles painted on a pale canvas, surrounded by long auburn hair. They scolded her today for wearing chunky guy shoes. If Scott ever got a hold of those I think he could kill someone with them. She's always in them, always in the same jeans, a tank top and a sweater over it. I don't think that girl knows what an undershirt is for. She told them she wears them because nothing else stays on after giving them all of her shoelaces. They actually make us take them off cause we could hang ourselves with them. Can you believe that? Anyway, Becca has a roommate who I met on New Year's Eve, this shy anorexic girl named Annie. She has been here for two weeks but I guess I just didn't noticed her, dressed in drab baggy clothes like that. I didn't even realize she had an eating disorder, to be honest. Becca told me I would have if I arrived 10 days ago because she was parading around in microscopic clothes convinced she looked ok, but could afford to lose some more weight. This knocked me out completely, what a sight.

A few guys invited me to sit with them during lunch after the New Year's party (not exactly a party, but whatever) and I've been eating with them for two days now. They are alright to chat and play cards with. God, I wish I had a scotch and soda and a pack of cigarettes during those games. I wish that dragon in Becca's painting would come alive and hand them over to me. He can kill me afterward, I don't care.

One more thing before I hit the sack – Mark a.k.a 'poor bastard', my mute roommate, went to that Jolene person today… he was in there for an hour. AN HOUR. What the hell did he talk about for an hour? Did he talk AT ALL? All I know is that the woman was sort of smiling after he walked out of her office. She caught me looking at her and I thought about pretending to be looking somewhere else for a second, but decided to stick it out. After she took notes with her eyes she went back inside. I don't know if this has anything to do with anything, but Mark is not out yet, he's wide awake instead so I can't say his snoring is keeping me up tonight. Just my crazy head.

Gonna take advantage of the peace and try to sleep now.

~HC[/i]