how we gonna pay? -- mark's journal

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property of Mark Anthony Cohen.

December 14

You know that awkward feeling when your ex gets engaged right in front of you, right after you sell your soul to corporate America so you can afford to pay your rent? No? Well, I do. I guess it would be a little less awkward if Maureen had actually found another boyfriend. But she didn't. A girlfriend? Am I so bad that she had to turn against our whole gender? I know what you're thinking. 'Mark, that was almost a year ago. Why are you thinking about it?' And the truth is, I don't really know. It just popped into my head when I started writing. Speaking of which, I have another journal to add to my finish collection. It's hard to believe I have my life record from eight grade in a box in my closet. If I wanted to, which I'm sure I one day will, I could go back and read exactly what I thought about my first day of freshman year. About the day I met Maureen, moved out, April committed suicide... It's all there. Sure, I'm not very good at writing every day. But all of the important days are there. I don't know, it's just... kind of nice.

Now, on to more important things. Like... well, like the fact that I need a job. I really do. Roger's basically living with Mimi now, and although he never really helped anyway, it means I have to pay both halves of the rent. Benny's a dick, and he probably would kick me out. Even though he used to live here too. God, I can't believe that he changed so much in such a little time. How long ago was it that he lived here? Two, three years? It seems like a lot shorter than that. I could look it up. I have the notebook it's in. You know, I'd rather be dirt broke then a yuppie scum with money. Does that make me stupid? Probably. My parents told me that I was stupid for wanting to be an artist instead of a lawyer. i would be a horrible lawyer. I can't even imagine it. To think, I almost went through with going to law school to please them. Sometimes I think I don't like my life now, but if I had went through with law school... well, I'd probably still be dirt broke. Who'd want to hire me?

I miss Roger. The loft is really empty lately. I can't stand it, and I'll turn on R.E.M. or Journey, just because I know the words and can sing along. Whenever I'm eating or reading or, hell, even right now when I'm writing, music will be blasting. Just so it's not deathly quiet. It wasn't ever actually loud with Roger, or at least not very often, but there was always some noise to show his presence. Like, strumming his Fender or rustling pages in his notebook. Or just breathing, walking, talking... Being, you know, another human being. I like being alone sometimes, too. I can basically do whatever I want now. There's less of a chance of walking in on something I don't want to see, even though it's still there. Even if they have their own damn apartment, I wouldn't put it past Roger and Mimi to be in this one.

Which reminds me, April never officially moved in. You know? She was always here, but she did have her own place somewhere. Which makes me wonder why she chose our bathroom to kill herself in. I still can't go in there without thinking about it. I mean, it seems pretty shitty to kill yourself in someone else's bathroom. Its like, she was always such a drama queen. And she wanted her death to be dramatic too, so she knew that one of us would walk in on her and freak the hell out. Which someone did. I mean, sheesh April. I know you really only cared about Roger out of the group, but couldn't you have thought about the rest of us when you killed yourself? I mean, I still have to use that bathroom. Roger, Maureen, Collins... yeah, they all moved on to different and better bathrooms. I'm still stuck here. I mean, I don't think your ghost is going to pop out at me when I'm shaving or anything, but it's just the principal of it all really.

You know, I think tonight's a Life night. I have a few spare dollars, and maybe I'll call someone and hang out with them. I just don't feel like eating ramen and toast for the fourth night in a row.

-Mark Cohen

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[renthead]

property of Mark Anthony Cohen.

December 19

The fact that I have real food in my stomach has put me in a good mood. Normally, I don't pig out like I did tonight. But tonight was a special occasion. Okay, not really. The pizza was just really good, and I didn't have to pay. Yes, I know, it isn't nice to mooch off your friends. The pizza was really good though, and I had three whole slices. The cheese was stringy, the way cheese should be on a pizza, but not all hard and plastic like. Have I ever mentioned how much I love cheese that's stringy but not hard and plastic like? Because I do love it. I love it a lot.

Oh, right! The reason we were out celebrating. I got a job. A job that I didn't feel like Satan had set up for me. It doesn't pay much, but it's enough. It's not that good of a job either. But I think I'll like it. It's at this camera shop, and I get employee discounts. That's the main reason I took it. I wasn't even looking for the job, and it found me. Just proves that I need to let things go. I mean, I once spent the whole day looking for a job and ended up at a pier I never knew existed talking to a fifteen year old kid who pulled a knife on me. No job. But, when I just walk down the street with my friends and my camera, a crazy man runs after me asking me if I know much about cameras. I said I knew a bit, but Roger took over from there. He started telling the man how I was a camera God. I worry about that boy sometimes.

But anyway, the man starts going on about how his only employee just quit and he needed a replacement. Like, ASAP. He had saw me walk by with my camera out, and thought he might as well ask. And now I have a job. I know, it's weird. But it's New York City. Every thing's weird. That's just the way it is.

Oh, you know last time how I wrote I was sure April's ghost wasn't going to come jump out at me when I was shaving? Now I'm second guessing myself. I probably just got spooked by my own thoughts, but I could have sworn I heard something coming from the bathroom last night. Can you just imagine what Roger would do if I told him I thought the ghost of his ex-girlfriend was haunting my bathroom? Yeah. That bad. Anyway, I'm sure I'm just being paranoid. Even if April was haunting some place, it sure as hell wouldn't be my bathroom.

Okay, well, that pizza was so good, it made me tired. You know, when you have a full stomach and the only thing that sounds amazing is sleeping? Yeah. I have that feeling right now. So, I'm going to go indulge it. I have work tomorrow anyway.

-Mark Cohen

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[renthead]

property of Mark Anthony Cohen.

December 20

You know how when you're a kid, you're always striving for that next milestone? Whether it be staying over at a friend's house all night, or going to kindergarten, or starting high school... whatever it is, you're always excited for something. I remember when I was so excited to turn ten, because my age was two digits. Then, almost the day after, I couldn't wait until I turned thirteen because I would be a teenager. It just goes on and on. Starting junior high, graduating junior high, going to high school, driving, sweet sixteen... there's just so many.

When do people stop wanting to move forward, and move back? Because I'm at that point right now. Instead of getting to my thirtieth birthday, which is only around five years away, I want to go back to my sixteenth. Or my thirteenth. Hell, maybe even all the way back to tenth. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Its too much responsibility. Why I looked forward to this for so long, I don't know. Warning to future children: Enjoy it! I know it's cliche and all, but I'm serious. Also, if you are my child and reading this, please note that you are in trouble for snooping. Unless I showed it to you. Then you aren't in trouble.

Anyway, after sleeping the pizza off last night, I feel like I got nothing accomplished. So I'm going to go film. Oh, I had my first day at work today. Can't describe how awesome it is being surrounded by cameras all day, even if it was slightly boring work.

-Mark

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