Post by RICHARD PLANTAGENET on Nov 29, 2010 15:19:30 GMT -5
I know this isn't technically a novel but it's for an exam portfolio and I'd appreciate some feedback before I hand it in to my teacher. I know you may think the subject matter of good ol' cliche Nessie stuff, but that's what I'm best at, in the opinions of myself and others, hence my descision to write it rather than something different. Don't sue me! XD
Here 'tis (an alternate ending (more dramatic and less epilogue-y) is also in consideration but not written as yet):
“Don’t do this.”
The speaker sounded drained, as though she had given up any fight she had in her long ago, yet still continued to plead in spite of it all. Her eyes were downcast, trained to the floor, as if she could not bear to look at the man she was addressing.
For his part he shook his head, the expression on his pallid face unreadable.
“I have to do this, Anne. I have no choice.”
“Of course you have a choice!” his companion exploded, her fiery temper suddenly in evidence. “You’re not his dog, at his beck and call! Why do you insist on going through with this? Why?”
“Because he’s the King!” the man snapped, eyes blazing as he glowered at the woman before him. “Would you rather see a purse of gold or my head upon the bridge?”
The woman paled, aghast at his suggestion. “Don’t talk like that!”
“I’ll talk how I d*** well please!”
Anne shrank back, eyes wide. “I…I’m sorry James…but surely you know I don’t want you to d-“
James seemed to have guessed what she was going say, if the scoffing tone of his voice was anything to go by. “Who said anything about dying?”
It was Anne’s turn to speak scathingly. “What else do you expect to happen if you’re caught? You don’t expect to get away with murdering him, do you?”
There was a pause. It seemed as though Anne was voicing all the concerns James himself was too afraid to even dwell on in thought. Could he go through with this? Was he really so callous as to murder a man...and all for a purse of gold, in a vain attempt to improve his standing? And even if, yes, he was heartless enough to commit the crime…what would happen if he was caught? One thing was for certain in all of this; it would not end well, no matter what choice he made.
James shook his head, his defiance seemingly sapped from him as he realized the gravity of his situation. He took a few paces back from the door to which he had been headed, sinking into the nearest chair with the air of a man who bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“You’re right…” he said at last, his voice tremulous. “I don’t believe I’d get away with it…but I’d be a fool to think that was possible.”
“You don’t mean to say-“
He looked almost as though he’d been about to put his head in his hands, but at Anne’s words James got to his feet again, confidence returning in a rush.
“I’ve already sworn to the King I’ll go through with it. If I break my promise he’ll kill me. If I go through with this and I’m caught I’ll face the axe. I’ll have to do it and not get caught. That’s all.”
“But you just said…how do you plan to get away with it?”
It was clear that Anne was intrigued despite her better nature. She and her husband had been prominent figures in the court of the late King, but due to their support of him in the face of his adversary, who now wore his crown, they had been quick to fall from grace. But surely murdering one of the new King’s rivals, a man who, in all technicality, was on their side, wasn’t the way to regain their former status…
James shook his head again, more fervently this time.
“I’ve said too much…”
With that he threw his cloak about his shoulders and hurried from the chamber without a backward glance, his wife’s protests falling on deaf ears.
*
The plan was simple enough, in essence. Rather than committing the deed himself and having his conscience to wrestle with, James had the idea that hiring others to kill the man but orchestrating the murder himself would be enough to get his reward and do his duty to the King. Yes, he would still suffer from guilt, but compared to how the murderers would feel…why, he would get off lightly.
And he did…for a few days, at least.
The two men James had hired were identified, arrested and tortured. Not only did they confess to the murder, but they named James as the man who had controlled the whole affair. Despite the fact that the murdered man was an obvious rival of the King’s, His Majesty could not allow his ‘good’ name to be smeared with blood so early in his reign.
That wasn’t to say he couldn’t get rid of the evidence.
The murderers were executed mere days after their arrest and it was only a matter of time before James himself suffered the same fate.
He had received the purse of gold from the King on completion of his task but it had done little to better his reputation. On the contrary it had helped him forge a new one, down at the local alehouse, as he made futile attempts to drown out his conscience with drink.
Anne had urged him not to do it.
How he wished he’d listened.
Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Any of the aforementioned, or indeed anything at all, would be greatly appreciated! (:
Here 'tis (an alternate ending (more dramatic and less epilogue-y) is also in consideration but not written as yet):
“Don’t do this.”
The speaker sounded drained, as though she had given up any fight she had in her long ago, yet still continued to plead in spite of it all. Her eyes were downcast, trained to the floor, as if she could not bear to look at the man she was addressing.
For his part he shook his head, the expression on his pallid face unreadable.
“I have to do this, Anne. I have no choice.”
“Of course you have a choice!” his companion exploded, her fiery temper suddenly in evidence. “You’re not his dog, at his beck and call! Why do you insist on going through with this? Why?”
“Because he’s the King!” the man snapped, eyes blazing as he glowered at the woman before him. “Would you rather see a purse of gold or my head upon the bridge?”
The woman paled, aghast at his suggestion. “Don’t talk like that!”
“I’ll talk how I d*** well please!”
Anne shrank back, eyes wide. “I…I’m sorry James…but surely you know I don’t want you to d-“
James seemed to have guessed what she was going say, if the scoffing tone of his voice was anything to go by. “Who said anything about dying?”
It was Anne’s turn to speak scathingly. “What else do you expect to happen if you’re caught? You don’t expect to get away with murdering him, do you?”
There was a pause. It seemed as though Anne was voicing all the concerns James himself was too afraid to even dwell on in thought. Could he go through with this? Was he really so callous as to murder a man...and all for a purse of gold, in a vain attempt to improve his standing? And even if, yes, he was heartless enough to commit the crime…what would happen if he was caught? One thing was for certain in all of this; it would not end well, no matter what choice he made.
James shook his head, his defiance seemingly sapped from him as he realized the gravity of his situation. He took a few paces back from the door to which he had been headed, sinking into the nearest chair with the air of a man who bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“You’re right…” he said at last, his voice tremulous. “I don’t believe I’d get away with it…but I’d be a fool to think that was possible.”
“You don’t mean to say-“
He looked almost as though he’d been about to put his head in his hands, but at Anne’s words James got to his feet again, confidence returning in a rush.
“I’ve already sworn to the King I’ll go through with it. If I break my promise he’ll kill me. If I go through with this and I’m caught I’ll face the axe. I’ll have to do it and not get caught. That’s all.”
“But you just said…how do you plan to get away with it?”
It was clear that Anne was intrigued despite her better nature. She and her husband had been prominent figures in the court of the late King, but due to their support of him in the face of his adversary, who now wore his crown, they had been quick to fall from grace. But surely murdering one of the new King’s rivals, a man who, in all technicality, was on their side, wasn’t the way to regain their former status…
James shook his head again, more fervently this time.
“I’ve said too much…”
With that he threw his cloak about his shoulders and hurried from the chamber without a backward glance, his wife’s protests falling on deaf ears.
*
The plan was simple enough, in essence. Rather than committing the deed himself and having his conscience to wrestle with, James had the idea that hiring others to kill the man but orchestrating the murder himself would be enough to get his reward and do his duty to the King. Yes, he would still suffer from guilt, but compared to how the murderers would feel…why, he would get off lightly.
And he did…for a few days, at least.
The two men James had hired were identified, arrested and tortured. Not only did they confess to the murder, but they named James as the man who had controlled the whole affair. Despite the fact that the murdered man was an obvious rival of the King’s, His Majesty could not allow his ‘good’ name to be smeared with blood so early in his reign.
That wasn’t to say he couldn’t get rid of the evidence.
The murderers were executed mere days after their arrest and it was only a matter of time before James himself suffered the same fate.
He had received the purse of gold from the King on completion of his task but it had done little to better his reputation. On the contrary it had helped him forge a new one, down at the local alehouse, as he made futile attempts to drown out his conscience with drink.
Anne had urged him not to do it.
How he wished he’d listened.
Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Any of the aforementioned, or indeed anything at all, would be greatly appreciated! (:
Syntax, storytelling, anything specific? Or just general feedback?
