Interviewing Roger Davis {November 2010 Issue}

[ROGER DAVIS]

You've caught me on a good day. I'm usually not optimistic at all. But, I mean...I've had alot of time to think. It's been three years since I've gotten off of drugs, since I got sick. I've had time to sit back and look at my life. It's actually even taken three years for me to realise that I'm not alone. I've never been materialistic or anything, so it wasn't like I was caught up in things that controlled my life or whatever, but for a while I was just so caught up inside myself that I didn't realise that there were other people around that felt the same way I did.

I'll give much of the credit to my girlfriend. I mean, she's probably the reason I'm the way I am today, but I mean, if I could give all the credit, I'd give it to my best friend. He's the one that's been with me forever. We've been through some really awesome times and we've been through some times where I've wondered why he hasn't, you know, left. But for those few months after I got diagnosed and when I was kicking Heroin, Mark was the one who, you know, held the bucket when I puked, cleaned up after every mess I made, took all of the really mean shit that I said to him. He's done alot of shit that normal people wouldn't have done.

*Roger laughs slightly*

I'm actually waiting for him to bail somewhere, you know?

[THE REPORTER]

What about your family? Parents, siblings? Have you told them about your illness?

[ROGER DAVIS]

My family?

*Roger shifts slightly*

My Mom lives in Buffalo. My dad...I think my dad moved to Pennsylvania or Maine or something. I have no clue. He left when I was 12 and I haven't really seen much of him since then. I'm sure I probably have some sort of siblings or something; I have no clue.

*Roger falls silent for a moment and then speaks*

And I guess they're gonna know about me being sick by the time this gets printed, huh?

[THE REPORTER]

*pauses and shifts forward* So none of your relatives know? Is there a specific reason why you never told your mother?

[ROGER DAVIS]

Dude, you have a mom, right? Imagine if you told your mom that everything that she loved in this world was gonna leave her. She'd flip out, huh? Moms are moms. My mom flips out when I get a cold. She can't--

*Roger pauses, and then sighs*

Look...I just...I know she's gonna find out. But can we leave what I just said out? She's gonna blame herself enough as it is. And my Dad...well, I don't even know if he'd even know what I looked like, let alone what I've been up to the last couple of years. He probably wouldn't be surprised that I was a heroin junkie AIDS victim. Probably wouldn't even care.

[THE REPORTER]

Of course we can leave it out. *makes note on clipboard* I'm sorry to have pressed on a sensitive topic, but wouldn't it be easier for her to find out through you, personally, and not through an interview on the newspaper? We don't have to print this if you don't want to, but I'm just wondering.

[ROGER DAVIS]

How would you feel if you had to tell your own mother that...that she should go out and buy a black dress? That at any moment, she may need to think of a list of things to say that she loved most about her son because she'll have to speak at his funeral? To find a place for those old comic books and crayola cards and baby teeth that she's saved for all those years? How would you tell your mother that one day, she could wake up and her entire world will be gone and all because her son, her only son decided to destroy his life by trying to experience every single feeling he could by any way possible? I don't know if anyone can do that and feel alright about it. Sorry and a Hallmark Card just doesn't cover it.

*Roger takes in a breath and then exhails*

Look, I uh...I don't know what I want printed yet. Why don't you just ask me something else and when this is all over with, I can decide what I want printed, okay?

[THE REPORTER]

*swallows* Uh, alright. *clears throat uncomfortably* Let's talk about something different. To all the people out there still trying to get over drugs, what's your advice to them?

[ROGER DAVIS]

When people get on drugs, after a while when they're trying to quit, they get this mindset that they're the only one that's had to do this. That it'll kill them because it's too hard. But it won't kill you unless you want it to. I mean, I had to go through the death of the girl that I was passionately in love with and heroin withdrawal all in the same week. I did it with the help of my friends. Sure, you're gonna hate the shit outta your friends for a while. You're gonna become like, Mr. Hyde overnight. You're gonna be the biggest bullshit liar on the planet. You're gonna promise the world for one more hit, but after you get over that little hill, you'll thank them for saving your life.

Drugs gave me some of the best memories of my life, I'm not going to lie. I have some of the best memories while on coke. It took one time to get addicted to Heroin. I wanted that feeling again 15 minutes after I shot up. But when you get out of that fog and realise that even though you're in this perfect little bubble, everyone around you is slowly dying? You'll realise that it's not worth it. I couldn't put my friends through that shit anymore even though I felt perfect.

But if you're one of those selfish pricks that thinks the world revolves around you and how awesome you feel all the time? Well, then you're fucked.

[THE REPORTER]

*nods* And if you don't mind me asking, am I right to assume that the death of this girl you were talking about was a determining factor in your resolve?

[ROGER DAVIS]

The girl I loved killed herself in my bathroom. I found her about three hours after they said she died. I was looking for the quickest way to get completely and utterly fucked up. I took a handful of pills and a shot of heroin and waited to die.

*Roger pauses, shifts and scratches nervously on the back of his neck and then continues*

My friends kinda forced me after I overdosed.

[THE REPORTER]

Was there a specific reason for her suicide?

[ROGER DAVIS]

*Roger purses his lips, looks down, and moves to light another cigarette*

She gave me AIDS. Or I gave her AIDS, I don't know. She got me addicted to Heroin and addicted to her.

*He shrugs slightly, tapping the cigarette against the ashtray*

We were kids, you know? She wasn't even 20 when she died. We barely knew anything about anything and, you know, when you get that news that you're life's ending...

*He takes in a breath and exhails with a line of smoke*

She was scared. She was ashamed, I guess. Angry at herself that she had done what she had done to me. What she had done to us. I just--I wish she would have told me. I might have gone with her.

[THE REPORTER]

Tell us more about these friends of yours. They seem to mean so much to you. How did you meet-- *looks down at clipboard*-- your girlfriend, Mimi, for instance?