Interviewing Harry Chandler - March 2011 Issue

[THE INTERVIEWER]

I'd like to begin this interview by welcoming Mr. Chandler. Thank you, sir, for taking time out of your day to talk with The New York Times. And I would also like the preface this by saying that this column is available to people of all ages so if you would be kind enough to mind your language, that would be appreciated.

[hamlet]

" Mind my language? Do I strike you as someone with explicit language? [rolls eyes a bit] The only language you'll need to worry about is language that makes no sense, and that can come from either one of us, right? [grins]"

[THE INTERVIEWER]

"It's simply a reminder Mr. Chandler, nothing is being said against your character. Now, I am sure that you are aware of the allegations floating about that you've lost your hold on reality. Care to comment?"

[hamlet]

"Funny you ask me this after you insist nothing is being said against my character. [shakes head] Do I care to comment? Not really unless there's any basis for these allegations."

[THE INTERVIEWER]

"Nothing against your character regarding language, Mr. Chandler. As I am sure you are aware, reporters never release the names of their sources in order to protect them. On more than one occasion, you were witnessed to have a breakdown in public situations. Do you deny these situations?"

[hamlet]

"To my knowledge I have never had any breakdowns in public, though I'm sure those prone to exaggeration might disagree. And what constitutes as a breakdown anyway? Getting mad? Upset? Well then being human is one big breakdown - and honestly, I can't argue with that point of view. It's actually quite accurate, don't you think?"

[THE INTERVIEWER]

Moving on. How would you describe your relationship with one Claudius Chandler?

[hamlet]

"Yes. Moving on...about Claudius. My dear uncle. Do you know the feeling of being around someone so much, and you're so close to someone, that you can't stand the sight of them anymore? I've found that we've reached that point in our relationship. In fact, we're in the advanced stages of that whole...phase. The stage where not only do we not want to be around each other, for me, personally? Speaking to him causes some sort of chemical reaction in me that physically makes me...sick? You know what I mean? So I think that its safe to say that talking to him makes me sick. Does that answer your question?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I think we're simply going through a rough patch....a rough patch that could quite possibly be an understatement of the century...but a rough patch, nonetheless. Its what you'd expect from family right? [sighs] I love my family by the way. [rolls eyes a bit]"

[THE INTERVIEWER]

*obviously sarcastic* Yes, of course you love your family. Try answering truthfully Mr. Chandler, such obvious lying is not only painful, but a waste of time.

[hamlet]

[laughs a bit, unamused] "But lying is so subjective. That's the thing that's painful - subjectivity. But then I guess that would make what is and isn't painful and what is and isn't a waste of time subjective too. You know what? I think we should keep this interview away from subjectivity personally. Words like lying? Ugh - I don't think it's appropriate. Lets stick to something solid like - green grass. Blue sky. One, two, three. You know. Facts. So, as you say, moving on..."

[THE INTERVIEWER]

You didn't answer the question Mr. Chandler. What your true feelings about your uncle?

[hamlet]

[looks around the room, before retuning his gaze back to the reporter] "No one heard me? No one? That guy behind you heard me. [there's no one behind her] Was the answer 'being around him makes me sick' too subjective of an answer? I'll rephrase. He makes me sick. There. I cut out all those annoying extra words in that sentence. Made it more direct.

[THE INTERVIEWER]

*Ignoring the obvious sarcasm* And your thoughts on the mayorial race, particularly Mr. Tormei seeing as he and Claudius Chandler are well acquainted.

[hamlet]

"I have a feeling 'no comment' is not an option with you. Am I right?"

[THE INTERVIEWER]

You are a smart one, Mr. Chandler. Your opinion on the candidates, individually or seperately, if you would.