Leffie basically wants to die

[SEBASTIAN TIMOTHY MARTIN]

So, yeah. I basically want to die.

It's none of your faults, and I'm sorry admins if this seems sort of inappropriate, but you guys are the only family I have now, and I have to talk to you. In detail.

Basically, just after I took a long bath to calm my nerves after earlier when I came on about my mother being a bitch, she calls me down and basically tells me I'm the most selfish person she's ever met (and this is out of the blue), and that I never think of anyone but myself. She told me later, in ANOTHER discussion, that I'm a miserable person, and that she wishes she could talk to me like a normal human being and hold a conversation that isn't about Phantom or Ewan McGregor or Sherlock or whatever.

And then she told me that I'm never allowed, again, to stay in my room until bedtime. So basically I can hardly ever come on Rewritten City again.

So you see now why I want to die. I really am a selfish bitch, and I'm okay with that. I don't call my family that isn't my immediate ones to ask them how they are, I never really do anything for anyone else but myself, and I'm extremely selfish. I get that, and I'm okay with that. I'm a bitch. I don't mind being a bitch, because I'm sick of caring.

But lets address the talking to her like a human being. I CANNOT talk to her like a human being, because a) she's a bitch, and b) I would be totally condemmed for telling her how I feel about anything, what I care most about (you guys), and pretty much everything. She would cast me into the fires of hell if she knew what I was thinking, and yet she has THE GALL to tell me I can come to her for anything? WHEN I KNOW FROM THE FUCKING PAST THAT I CAN'T, WHEN SHE TELLS ME I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ATHEIST AND THAT SHE'D RATHER DIE THAN SEE ME BRING A GIRL I LIKE HOME?

So basically, I want to die. No, I'm not going to kill myself, so you can breathe easy. I'm far too much of a coward for that. But basically, I am dead now. I'm tired of being a nice person (to my mother, not to you guys), and I'm tired of pretending. So I'm just going to be miserable. I'm already going through enough shit as it is, so feel free to PILE MORE MOTHER! THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM.

Al, Kay, you know what's going on with me right now. I don't even FUCKING want to comprehend what this will mean for that, since I have to stay downstairs from now on.

So, if you never see me again because my mother has frozen hell and I've become her slave, I'm so sorry. I seriously love all of you, with all my heart, and I don't fucking care if this is wrong, but I care more about you all than I do about any of my real family. I did NOT choose them, and I wouldn't if I could have. I would have chosen you. I don't care if my family buys me things, if they call and check up on me, I still can't tell them how I feel. I can't tell them that I think of Sebastian, A VERY GAY MAN, as my son and love him with all my heart, because then they wouldn't consider ME family, even though they wanted me to consider THEM family.

Admins, feel free to edit this post for cuss words. I'm too tired and stressed to edit this. I'm sorry if this was kinda sudden and off balance. I'm sorry if this was inappropriate. You can just let members see this, I guess, lock it for guests. I don't care. For God's sake, you can delete it, but I just wanted to tell everybody, and I couldn't really do a mass pm this late at night and with only a few seconds to write this.

I just love you all, and I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch. Not to you, but to other people. Guys... Can I ask you something?

What should I do? Should I not care and just live life like a zombie, and become a terrible person, but not to YOU guys, or basically never see you again and try to function in the real world.

Keep in mind that I prefer the first option. Because I love you more than I can comprehend. Seriously, I do. I would have killed myself without Rewritten City. I'm NOT kidding. I SERIOUSLY contemplated it before I found this place.

I... I love you guys. I'll talk to you later, I promise. I'm NOT killing myself, no matter what the title of this post implies. I'm just going to go cry. I need to cry.

Desperately.

[MAYOR HECTOR "HADES" TORMEI]

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you Leffie but do not go to any extreme. You don't have to be a zombie and you don't have to completely neglect RC either. Find a balance but most importantly, try to find some middle ground with your mom. I know it'll probably be hard but hopefully if you show her that you're willing to compromise, maybe she will too. That may seem like a long shot but you never know until you try. You have to remember that she's going through something too, just like you are, and you have to be understanding of that as well.

Just know that whatever does end up happening, you are a great writer. You know how to get in touch with me if you ever need to talk and have the time to.

[laz]

My Dearest Leffie,

I adore you. I've adored you from the first moment I met you all the way back in April 2011. It physically pains me to see (hear) you going through this. I wish I could swoop down scoop you up and take you away from all the shit that you're going though and trust me I would in a heart beat if I could. Parent's don't always understand it when their children are inclined towards the arts. They don't always understand our emotions towards our creations or the fact that we can so easily feel for others. Writers are empaths, well for the most part... I think Stephen King might be an exception. But, I digress. I don't want you to ever feel like you are in the wrong because you love to create, and imagine, and explore the world around you and the world inside of you. It is your mother’s loss that she can’t see how special, talented, and innovative that you are.

And I don’t want you to ever forget that. You are incredible Leffie and that’s coming from someone a few years older than you. You’ve been through a lot and experienced more than a kid your age ever should. But, I know you can handle this. You are strong and you are going to come out of this stronger and wiser. It’s a test and a challenge and it seems like it’s all up hill but, you are going to get to the top, I promise you.

I say you go along with her demands for a little while. I’m not saying give up! NEVER GIVE UP. I’m just saying go with the flow. Try checking RC on your school computers and writing out posts on paper while you are home. I mean, I don’t want to advocate lying and going behind people’s backs but, you have a passion and a gift that shouldn’t be stifled. Stay late after school to get away from home for a couple extra hours and to type up posts if that’s what you want to do or join a club. But, never stop writing. Ever. You’d be doing a disservice to the world if you did. And then talk to her. Explain yourself when you feel calm and collected. Angry words won't get you any ground. Find a middle ground.

You are not a bitch. You are not selfish. You are not any of those things. You are human. WE WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU. WE LOVE YOU. DO NOT FORGET THAT! IF you ever need to talk I’m here for you. Always here for you.Keep your head up Leff.

With absolute love and affection,

Laz

[IRENE ADLER]

Huns no one can control your life, your spirit or anything of you. If your mother wants to be a bitch. Let her, but she cant control your life. She cant control what you like. No matter what huns, whoever it is that is destroying you it is their own fault . Don't become a zombie just to please your mother. Don't do anything that will make your life miserable. There are so many things in life that are wonderful. You just need to depart away from your family. The most important thing for you to do is find your own happiness. No one can control your life and if they do just say screw them. If this is your happiness, if we are your family . It took me a long time to actually get my parents to even like my rpgs and even right now they are not understanding. But the most important part is believe in yourself , believe in what you love. If you let that die you die yourself. Believe me I had gone through that path. Like laz and Kay said find some middle ground. Find a way to stay true to yourself.

[MONA LISA DRAGOTI]

First of all my dear dear Leffie if I hear you call your self a bitch again I will be foreced to come to Georgia and kidnap you. You are one of the most loving people I know and I say fuck your mom and her calling you all those nasty things. How dare she judge you because you are different from her. You are such amazing person and anyone who doesn't think so is stupid. You should be free to do what ever you want and if your mom has a problem with it then she can learn not to be a bitch and love you like a true mother does.

You were one of the first people to talk to me on RC. And I've talked to you almost everyday since then and every time you post or talk about your ideas it makes me so happy. and I want you to know that I love you! Truly I love you so much and you make me so happy and try to cheer me up and everything. You know things about me that I havn't told even my family. You are so special to me and If i lose a friend like you for good...well I don't know what it will do to me. So please please don't talk about wanting to die.

And Leffie if you ever feel alone or without a family remember that You are part of my family. You are part of all our families because we all love you so much. All of us want you to be happy, and you make us all happy.

I have somethings I need to talk to you about Leffie that I'd rather not post to all of RC. So I will PM you but please believe me when I say I know what you are feeling, I truly do.

Leffie I want you to know that you are loved by all of us. and I want you to stay with us for however long you can. But don't hurt yourself if it means you stay with us, be cause I love you and don't want to lose you at all.

I will miss you Leffie until you get back.

I love you

Bri

[GREGORY LESTRADE]

Oh Leffie...I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I'd like to say I know how it feels, because I literally was one step away from killing myself about half a year ago, but I'm sure I really don't. That was me, being literally selfish. You not calling up people to ask how they are, or being mad at your mom, is NOT selfish. I know this isn't helping, but it's not your fault your mother sounds like a annoyingly religious and depressingly homophobic person. I mean, if I were in your situation I'd want to die too.

But from my OUTSIDE point of view, I'll just say...just keep trying to live. I know it's hard - that I do know - to keep smiling all the time, and to be kind to the people who you secretly hate, but it'll get better. Maybe not really soon, but it will eventually, trust me. I want you to know that you are an amazing girl and a wonderful, kind person. You mother's probably going through a rough patch trying to understand why you're such a modern, open person to everything, and maybe that path'll never go away (hopefully not though). But you just have to keep trying, and eventually you'll see that everything is fine. You can do better than what your mom seems to want you to be, and sure, it's hard to be fake around someone that you feel like you should love but you really, really don't, but eventually all these days will be just a bad memory in your head, and you'll be able to reflect on it without such sadness.

There's always the horribly unnerving option of trying to talk seriously with her, finding a middle ground, and maybe that won't work out. But you can always try, and that's what living's about; keep trying. Just remember that there's lots of people out there who love you, will continue to love you, and will love you n the future because you are a fantastic woman and are surely NOT a selfish bitch. That is patently untrue and I refuse to believe it.

[THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO]

Hi Leffie,

I dunno if reading other people's problems is the sort of thing that helps you. I know most of the time it pisses me off. Especially since we hardly know each other (thanks to me being a major flake). But I'll share something with you in case it helps us relate.

You know the last time I was away, in early September? I can't remember who was on when I came back, but I told anyone who asked that I was in the hospital. It was true, mostly. My therapist sent me to a mental hospital when he found out I was planning to kill myself. I was planning to do it today, actually. 2 October. You mentioned us being your family. You know who it was that called the police and essentially had me committed? Some friends I made on another RP site. One in Ohio, one in Texas, one in the UK. I live in Louisiana.

Another story - one of my best friends is a woman I've never met who I know from RPing. She once called me when she heard I was going to kill myself (a different instance) and talked me out of it. Later I found out that when she called, her cell phone was dying, so she ran home to plug in her charger to keep talking to me. Someone I've never met. Another day, I stayed up past midnight to talk her out of suicide. She was in a situation a bit like yours, with a totally insane mom and a family who depended on her so much that they dragged her down. She moved away from them just two weeks ago, and now she's with her fiancée, two thousand miles away from all that pain, planning her wedding. It was difficult, but she stuck through it, and got to a much happier day. There's the same waiting for you, I guarantee it.

Anyway, I mention all this so you know that when I say you're loved, I am not speaking idly. It is possible to build incredible relationships online, despite what other people may think. It happened to me on the other site, and it's happened for you on RC. Your support group is here, and when you're feeling alone I hope you remember that there are people everywhere who are rooting for you, not the least of which is me. You've made me feel extremely welcome here, you've cheered me up when days when I desperately needed it. I hope I can do the same for you.

I don't know what's going on, but I can guess that you're in an extremely toxic environment. If you can get away from there, I'd say go for it. Your mom is a dangerous influence. I'm really glad to hear that you won't kill yourself, but I want to make sure you stay that way. You should not use a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem. Like I said, there's happiness in store for you, just beyond this struggle. We're here to make sure you don't have to go through that struggle alone.

As for what you should do, you need to do what is best for you. The best thing you said in your post is that you're selfish and you don't care. Selfishness is underrated. I mean, it's cool to care about others, but once that caring overrides the concern you have for your own self, you put yourself in trouble. But yeah, do what's best for you. Since you've chosen RC as your family, I'd wager that means having access to your computer. Don't do anything that would put you in danger, but at the same time, try not to be without your support group. We love you, we need you to be okay.

While I can't speak for everyone (or has that ship sailed? lol) I'm always on hand if you need to talk, though I'm not always on RC. Send me a pm if you want to IM or call or anything. Sometimes getting to talk to a human voice means everything. At least it does for me when I'm spiraling into depression. And I dunno if you have access to a counselor or therapist or anyone of the sort you can talk to about what's going on, but that can help too. Just stay safe. And crying is okay, it really is.

~Love, Jaime

[JEAN-PAUL DUBOIS]

Guys, thank you SO much for your kind words. You really don't know how much this means to me. There's probably more to this story than anyone realizes, more than I can put down in words, or I might be construing things, but I'm not sure. All I know is I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I mean, half of you I'm really close to, but half of you I'm not, and it really means a lot to me that you guys really do care. So many people... just don't in real life. Its sort of a surprise.

My main problem is talking to my mother, because I hate her more than the fiery pits of hell. I will NEVER love that woman, for both reasons I've stated and reasons I can't really tell you guys. You really are my family guys, especially now. I feel kind of alone in real life. I've never really minded being alone, but now that I have all this shit hanging over my head, like my supposed month without my computer, staying downstairs until its time for bed when I just want to go to my room, it doesn't make me feel loved by my real family, it just makes me feel like I'm forced.

My mom said that if I started caring about other people in real life, and showing them that I care, that I'll be a happier person. BUT I'M A FUCKING SELFISH PERSON! I am NOT sacrificing my own happiness just so that people that I mildly care about think that they're my world. I do love my real family (apart from the shedragon), but and can't really go to them for everything, because they would NEVER be able to sort out my problems. They don't UNDERSTAND my problems like you guys do, mostly because YOU guys know I'm atheist and love gay people. My family is ALL Christian, and even though I have a lesbian aunt, I STILL can't go to her, because she's all Christian and doesn't get my atheism.

I hate this. I feel like this is all my fault, and truly, it is. I should be a better person in real life, and while I thank you guys for telling me that I'm not a bitch (even my mother doesn't think so, she just thinks I'm bitchY), I know that I am. She does NOT know what I'm thinking, and I'm always thinking how much I want to FUCKING strangle her and that obnoxiously arrogant voice. She makes me want to sick ERIK on her. That's how much I hate her.

And truly, I could give a flying fuck about other people. I really don't care. I care about them, but I don't at the same time. Its not because I'm evil, I don't think I'm EVIL. But I'm just TIRED of TRYING to care. I can't care about my real family or real people around me because I know what else is out there, how much better life will be for me once I'm away from them. My famiy is full of plastic assholes and backstabbers, and yet my mother expects ME to be a part of that? I don't WANT to be a backstabber! i don't want to be a fucking liar! I have to WALK ON EGGSHELLS all around my mother. I can't SPEAK to her because everything I fucking say SETS HER OFF. She has the WORST temper in the world, and her explanation of that is that "oh, that's something I need to work on."



What. the. FUCK.

God, I just don't even know. But thanks again you guys, I really love you. And thank you so much JAIME! Don't EVER think that again, okay? You're right, you guys are my family, but WE'RE YOURS TOO! So don't ever think that again, okay? Or else I'll make like Bri and go over to Louisiana and KIDNAP YOU! MWAHAHAHAHA!

I wish I was able to call all of you guys, but I can't because I don't have a real cell phone, and my mom doesn't know that I roleplay. Mostly because of Sebastian actually. He's the only reason I hide this from her, because Sebastian is ONE OF MY MANY WORLDS. I don't know if you guys know this, but I would DIE without that man. He really is like my son, and if RC was to be taken from me, I would miss him just as much as I would miss you guys. So I CANNOT tell her about RC. Sebastian is too gay (and John too really, especially since she doesn't think the BBC Sherlock and John don't have any homoerotic tension between them. Yeah right.) to tell her.

Again, thank you guys. If you guys do want to talk to me in a voice call, I don't usually have much time, but if you want to pm me your skype or something, I'll be glad to add you when I have time.

I LOVE YOU ALL! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

-Leffie