Pretty Boy Front Man|Roger's Journal

[ROGER DAVIS]

December 26th, 1989

There was a feeling of peace broken by a sound of a car horn blasting longer than needed which made me jerk up in shock. However, with this blaring, I realised that I wasn't in my bed, but on a couch. A skinnier couch than the Loft's, and I felt air under me for a brief second before I let out a yelp and fell hard onto the floor.

Half asleep, I groaned and slowly picked myself up off the floor long enough to realise that I wasn't in the Loft. I was in an apartment. My head was pounding thick and hard against my skull like it wanted to escape, and my stomach felt shifty and achy. I made a mental note that this is what the dude in Alien must have felt before the little fucker popped out of his stomach.

I woke up alone, and for a brief moment, I wondered if I had dreamt everything. Maybe I had dreamt it and none of it had been real. However, I lifted my head from the floor and felt a note on my chest that made me frown.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
DINNER YOU + ME?
MIMI

A breath escaped my lips, and my head pounded with a hangover and I realised that it wasn't a dream. It wasn't some wet dream, because I didn't wake up in my bed. I was...in Mimi's apartment.

I stood, moving to slowly walk around her apartment while trying to wake up as much as I could. The clock said 4PM. I looked at small pictures she had on her nightstand. I pressed my nose against a sweater that lay on her bed and took her scent into my nose. Her clothes smelled like cigarette smoke and stale beer, but there was a sweet smell that I remembered filling my nose a thousand times over last night. The memories filled my senses, and for a moment, it was almost overwhelming.

There was happiness. Pure and utter joy at the thought that, for the first time in seven months, I had connected with someone. There was complete and utter world-crushing fear that I had done the exact thing; connected with someone. I wanted to say that last night was simply a phase, a drunken romp in the sack that could be blamed simply on the alcohol, but as the memories came back to me, I realised that...I had no clue what last night was.

But I liked it.

Maybe I was still drunk, but I didn't feel ashamed for what had happened. I was sure it would hit me later. I glanced at the window to the fire escape that lead to the Loft's, and I climbed out of it, shivering at the freezing cold New York air. The sun was already starting to dip low in the sky, and soon, it'd be dark.

I had no clue when Mimi was coming back. She probably knew where to find me. The moment I stepped into the Loft, I figured Mark's 'Roger Alarm' went off because he was instantly in the living room, eyes wide as if he had seen a ghost.

Dude! Where the hell have you been?!

Downstairs, I winced, bringing a hand up to my head. Dude, don't yell. My head. My head is pain right now.

Down--

Mark's brows narrowed together, and then a slow smile spread on his face. Oh my god, Mark said, rushing to the couch. Sit down! What happened?!

I sat down onto the couch, grabbing one of the worn throw pillows with the corner that was broken and picked at the stuffing. Mark sat down across from me, a small eager smile on his face. Well, spill it! he told me urgently.

We left the Life and just started walking around. We went to Tompkins and just sat and talked, I told him, picking at the stuffing. Then, I told him, we came home.

I wasn't sure how to tell him more, and I swallowed, closing my eyes as I leaned my head back. We came back to her apartment door and I didn't want to leave, Mark. I was fucking terrified, but I didn't want to leave. Then she leaned in and she kissed me. She kissed me, dude. And then somehow, the door got opened and some how we ended up on the couch.

I fell silent after that, and I could see Mark eager for details, not because he was a perv or anything, but because he truly wanted to know. Well? Mark said, the smile stretching on his face.

I felt myself smile slightly, before it dropped. It had finally started hitting me then as I looked at the pillow, holding it to my chest. We started making out, I started, not looking at him but at the pillow's stuffy. Then we started...I mean, I wanted it, you know? I wanted it so bad, but I was so scared.

I could see Mark's smile fall slightly. Aw, man. Look, you've been out of the game for a while, he started, though I cut him off.

No, dude...I mean, it happened. It happened and we fucked and--

The back of my eyes burned, and I tried to keep them back, but I could feel my chest tightening and my breath hitched and I pulled the pillow tighter to my chest. It felt nice, I found myself whispering, actual hot tears sliding down my cheeks, and I finally looked at him, scoffing at myself. God, I--I started crying like a fucking teenage girl. I starting crying and she just--she whispered to me. Right in my ear, she just whispered and told me it was okay. I'm so scared, Mark. I'm--It's been seven months. It's been seven months and it still feels like it was yesterday. It still feels like she's still with me and--and like her ghost is just hovering around me, whatever I do or whatever I say and I feel horrible for what happened last night with Mimi but it feels so right.

Mark's eyes were sympathetic, and he moved from where he sat across from me. I saw him swallow and I knew he was trying to choose his words.

She's dead, Roger.

The words made the tears fall instantly, sliding down my cheeks, and they only increased as Mark slowly moved, sliding his arm around my shoulders. I wanted to stop crying because in the back of my head, the egotistical male part told me that men didn't cry. But I've cried so much in the past six months that I probably should have just had boobs and a vagina already. Mark stayed silent, his arm around my shoulders and I wanted him to say something, anything to break the silence. I heard him clear his throat slightly and I knew without looking that he was probably close to tears, too. He finally spoke after what seemed like years of silence, his voice soft against the silence.

She's dead, Roger. She's not coming back, but you have to. I've been through too much to watch you just fade away. To let you fade away. I know you're scared. I'm scared, too. We're all scared. But you're the strongest person I know, and strong people deserve the most happiness 'cause they've worked for it. You've come back from a lot of shit in the past seven months, and you deserve some happiness. So, you know what you're gonna do? You're gonna take it day by day, just like you've done since all of this happened. But the different thing? You're gonna be happy.

I know it needs to end, I told him through my tears. With April. I need to realise she's gone. But part of me doesn't know how to live without her. How to be happy without her. I'm scared to end it, even though she's dead.

I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye, and he fell silent again before speaking. His voice was calmer than I had ever heard it, and Mark was almost like Buddha calm most times. This sounded like he had just reached Nirvana.

The hardest part of ending, he told me, is starting again.

[ROGER DAVIS]

December 31th, 1989

This week has gone by so fast.

I've spent most of my time with Mimi in her apartment. Mark asked me when I was getting coffee if I had even came up for air. I chewed on a piece of toast, raising the mug of coffee slightly in the air in a silent toast.

No, I haven't come up for air. I'm actually still down there fucking her and making toast at the same time. I'm just that good, I told Mark through a mouthful of toast and made high-pitched moaning sounds (totally not what Mimi sounds like) as I pretended to hump the table. Which made Mark roll his eyes and shake his head with a laugh.

Charming, Roger.

I rolled my eyes and made my way toward the window. Bye, Mark, I told him in a singsong with a smile as I slipped out of the window to the Loft and down one floor to Mimi's window.

She was waiting for me when I slipped in. The next two hours were a complete blur of arms and legs and lips and tongues. I didn't even get to finish my coffee.

I don't know how long it's truly been. I mean, sure, by a calender, it's been a week almost. An entire week almost of nothing but fucking. I can still taste her in my mouth and it's been hours since we've been together. I have an addictive personality. I am addicted to Mimi.

The strange thing is I haven't thought of April this entire week. If that's wrong or not, I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it. Mimi's asked me about April, and I can't tell her. How does someone tell someone else about how awesome their former girlfriend was?

I just don't want to get into a fight.

We're going to Times Square tonight to watch all of the drunk people. I think it's safe to say that I am most certainly going to be one of those drunk people. I heard Maureen said she was dressing up like a cat. Why? I have no clue.

But I am completely and utterly ready to see what this cat suit has in store, because I know even if she wears a plastic bag, it's gonna make Mark squirm.

I mean, he's my friend and all, yeah that's true, but it's hilarious to watch him try to cover up the fact that he's still attracted to Maureen. He denies it, says that he's over her, but I seriously challenge him as a member of the male species to sit there and deny that his dick gets hard whenever Maureen decides to wear a short skirt. Like yesterday! Maureen came over, right? And she had a belly shirt on and this skirt that left nothing to the imagination. She caught onto my ruse when I kept dropping stuff in front of her and she smacked me on the shoulder and told me to stop being a pervert, but this is Maureen we're talking about. She feeds of attention.

Like, seriously. If she isn't eye-fucked within ten seconds of walking into a room, she throws a fit.

I need to find someone for Mark to sleep with. Amelia likes Mark, I know she does. I mean, yeah, Amelia was kissing Maureen, but I told Mark that was the perfect situation. Amelia likes you and Maureen. Perfect threesome situation.

He just told me to shut up and leave him alone. He didn't want to be a part of my sexual deviance. I laughed and told him that it wasn't sexual deviance, man. It's a blessing from the gods in heaven. Learn to read the signs.

But yeah. We're going to Times Square tonight. You know, in my entire life, I have never been to Times Square for New Years. Collins said I'm not missing much. Bunch of drunk motherfuckers and people looking to steal your shit.

I told him I was lucky to have him to protect me.

[ROGER DAVIS]

January 1st, 1990

Times Square is insane at New Years' and the sun is just coming up and my arms are wrapped around Mimi as I hear her mutter something. She's hung over or still drunk and it's 5 in the morning. The entire crew is dragging, but yet, this was the best New Years I think I've ever had. Mark got footage, enough for a thousand movies. Maureen was dressed up in leather making cat noises all night and high kicking like she was a female Bruce Lee. Collins dressed up as James Bond, until I pointed out that James Bond liked vagina, not dick.

Pussy Galore, I heard Angel say, her wigged head bobbing with a smile. In person! Besides, chico, she stated with an over dramatic and very ghetto roll of her eyes, I could suck James Bond better than all those puta bitches that he shacked up with.

This amused Mimi greatly and she spent the next twenty minutes rattling off to Angel in Spanish. God only know what she was saying, but Collins and I just rolled our eyes and both shared a joint in celebration of the new Year.

Collins always has the best pot, but this shit was fantastic. Maureen pushed her way over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck with a squeal. Happy New Year, baby! She then placed the biggest kiss right straight on my lips. I think part of it was because she was getting drunk and when Maureen got drunk, she kissed everyone, man or woman, like it would be the last time. I laughed and pulled away, twirling my finger in the air. Turn, baby, I told her. Turn around. Lemme see. She turned around like a drunk ballerina, and I clapped. Fantastic, baby. However, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Joanne take a larger hit from the champagne bottle before moving to grab a firm grasp on Maureen's ass, as if claiming it.

I moved back over to Mimi, and her eyebrow was arched. That was a pretty big kiss, I heard her say as I wrapped my arms around her waist. You two dated?

Nah, I told her with a small shake of my head. We fucked once. We were both drunk. She's my best friend. She kisses everyone like that when she's drunk. Seriously, go ask her for a kiss. She'll suck the breath out of your lungs. Mimi rolled her eyes playfully and slapped me lightly on the cheek before she leaned in, whispering a Happy New Year against my lips before she kissed me harder than Maureen had ever done. We kissed as the countdown happened, and I felt a shudder and a shiver cross over me that wasn't the cold, but the feeling and the real fear that I might be happy.

And that scared me to death.

We stumbled down the street, and I heard Mark yawn. I pulled myself away from Mimi, and launched myself into Mark's arms, hearing his tired laugh. We ended up walking side by side, arms over each other's shoulders, and I looked up from the ground to look over at him.

I'm proud of you, you know that?

His voice was soft, and I felt myself nod lightly, fingers clenching his shoulder just a little tighter. Yeah, I told him. I know. Then, as if to change the subject, I pointed ahead of me, where Maureen was still bouncing along, skipping and dancing. How can Maureen still be bouncy.

She's drunk, Mark told me. She gets bouncy when she's drunk.

I smiled and clapped Mark on the shoulder. I still think you should try, I told Mark. I mean, look at that ass! That's a fucking leather ass. Maureen's ass...is in leather. She'd be all slippery and wet and--

Mark rolled his eyes and pointed out that Joanne was standing right there. Well, she was barely standing but she was standing right there. And why do you suddenly share such a fascination with Maureen?

Are you kidding me? I asked Mark with a frown. I've banged her in my head the entire length of the Kama Sutra. We're all friends, I said loudly with a smile, moving to grab Mimi by the waist. We're all friends and I really think we should all just have one big giant orgy.

YES! ORGY! Maureen squealed with an over dramatic, yet genuine jump up and down. Sex! We go into the Loft, drop some acid, and start loving each other properly to ring in the new year. I rushed over to Maureen, moving behind her to smack her on the ass. HARDER, she said loudly with a giggle, and I felt Mimi slide up behind me, her hands sliding dangerously down my waist. FASTER! Maureen was yelling, making what little people around us turn to see a three-piled clothed pretend Mimi-Roger-Maureen sandwich going on.

You whore, I found myself whispering against the side of Mimi's face and Maureen was giggling, grinding her ass into me as she reached for Joanne, who tried to look unamused before Maureen made grabby hands and growled playfully, C'mere, you cannibal!

Collins laughed loudly and Angel shook her head, muttering something in Spanish. Your boy is loco, Mimi, she said, and I laughed it off, shaking my head. Collins shook his head, taking a drag from the cigarette he held between his fingers. Baby, he told Angel with a smile, you have no idea how crazy that boy can get.

I laughed and leaned over, placing a large, loud smacking kiss against Collins cheek before instantly snatching the cigarette from between his fingers.

I still vote for an orgy. LET'S GET SEXY UP IN--

Guys, look!

Maureen's voice made me frown, and as we turned the corner, we saw what had made her exclaim. The door to our building was padlocked. Brows narrowed, Mimi and I walked hand in hand along with the group to the door. Mark read the pink paper on the door.

FUTURE HOME OF CYBER ARTS.

That FUCK! Maureen protested, kicking the door with a frown, but Angel already has things covered, it seems, because she's holding a large garbage can, and I grab Mimi around the waist to pull her back. Your friend's crazy, I tell Mimi before Angel slams the trash can down onto lock, breaking it.

That's a full service woman, you've got there, I tell Collins, and we all stumble up into the Loft. Once we all pile into the Loft, there's a message on the machine. Oooh, I say, rushing to the machine. The first message of the New Year! I hope it's from Cindy, I tell Mark, but he wasn't amused at the comment. I push down on the play button as everyone piles around the machine.

Mark, it's the wicked witch of the west; your mother! Happy New Year from Scarsdale! We're all impressed at the riot footage making the nightly news; even your father says mazel tov. Honey, call him! Love, Mom!

Oh shit, I say, looking over at Mark with raised eyebrows. Your father says Mazel Tov. That's like, a first.

I miss your mom, Maureen said suddenlly, and I nodded, as if sharing her emotional feelings. I know, I miss his mom, too. But I miss Cindy more--

The machine beeped again, and another woman's voice came on the line.

Mark Cohen, Alexi Darling from Buzzline--

Ew, that show's so SLEEZY, Mark cringed, and I grabbed a bag of chips from the couch, munching on them as the woman continued to talk.

We saw your footage of the riots! Think of it, segments, networks, dealtimes! We're sending you a contract--

CHUR-CHING, CHUR-CHING! I sang, mouth full of chips in sing-song, only to make Mark roll his eyes.

Mark, give me a call at 970-4301, or at home try 863-6754 or my cellphone at 919-763-0090 or you can email me at [e-mail] or you can page me at--

BEEEEEP.

I think everyone's jaw hit the floor, and for a moment, we were all silent until Maureen squealed, I THINK WE NEED AN AGENT!

Joanne simply rolled her eyes and looked at Mark. What you need, she told him, is legal counsel. And also, the whole situation with Benny? You all are squatters now. They can't legally kick you out on the street.

But he's gonna come back, Collins protested, slumping down against the wall and I could see the man was both drunk, and pissed off at Benny. However, Collins pissed off still held reasoning. I don't know how he does it. Maybe we can try reasoning with him?

Oh, yeah. That'll work, I rolled my eyes at Collins. You're the gay one; you suck his dick. Maureen grabbed the bag of chips from me, chewing on a handful. There's always Buzzline? She offered with a shrug. If Benny wants rent money...we can get it from buzzline?

That's selling out, I protested, and watched as Mark paused before looking at Joanne. The lawyer suddenly seemed much sober than she had been two minutes ago. We all need to get sober, and in the morning--

It is morning, Angel murmured from where she was slumped against Collins on the floor.

Later on in the morning, after we've all gotten sleep...we can go to buzzline. But first...we have to find you clothes.

Oh, boy, I murmured with a smile as Mimi slumped against me on the couch. Getting Mark dressed up in big boy clothes. This is gonna be an adventure.

We all took our rounds of saying happy new year to each other as everyone got comfortable on the couches and tables, and I heard Mimi mumbled a happy new year into my chest before I fell asleep.

[ROGER DAVIS]

January 2nd, 1990

I was in the middle of smoking a cigarette when I heard the door get launched open. Mark was supposed to come back from his interview with Buzzline any time now, and as I looked up from the village voice I was reading, I noticed that it was him that had wrenched the door open.

You're home early. Jo said it'd take at least a couple hours, I said as I looked back at an article about the local music scene in Alphabet City, until I heard silence.

Mark? C'mon, I'm not a mind reader. Stop the suspense and tell me what happened.

No answer. I folded down part of the Voice, and frowned at his look. It looked like someone had kicked him in the balls and killed his puppy all at once. Sitting up from the couch, I looked over at him. Dude, I asked. What happened?

Maureen's getting married.

I laughed out loud at this and stood up. Yeah, I told him as I walked to get the coffee. Mimi was still sleeping in my bed. Yeah, and I won a Grammy. You're so full of shit, Cohen. How'd Buzzline go?

No, Roger. She's getting married. To Joanne. I'm serious.

For a second, I poured the coffee cup in silence, until I looked over at him. The man looked whiter than he ever had before, which I didn't know was possible. To Joanne? I asked, and then set the cup down, a strange sort of confused frown and smile tugged at my lips and instantly, I moved to him, taking Mark's arm to lead him to the couch. Sit. Sit down. Tell me everything, I told him.

And he did.

And I didn't fucking believe it. Neither did Mimi, which was surprising because she didn't really know Maureen and she didn't believe it. She left to go upstairs to take a shower, and we sat in stunned silence, though I kept asking Mark to repeat the story because honestly? I could not believe it.

An hour later, the door swung open once more and the sound of Maureen's voice filled the Loft.

Roger! Baby! Baby, I got something to tell you! Rog--ROGER!

She found me in my bedroom, and instantly she was all smiles, launching herself at me and telling me, excitedly, that she was getting married. She was getting married, baby, could you believe it?!

No, I said, confused. No, I can't believe it, baby, what's going on?

Joanne said she wanted someone to be there for her. To be serious and stuff and I said yes!

Oh, baby, I started, brows narrowed. Baby, do you really know what you're getting into? I mean, two nights ago when you took me to the Clit Club you were making out with the woman in rubber--

I was not! Maureen protested with a small shake of her head. We were dancing! We were dancing and having fun, is all! Besides, why can't people make out with other people? I can make out with you and not have it be anything!

I know you can, baby. I know you can and I'm not saying not to, but I'm me. And you're you. And Joanne is Joanne and---look, baby, I'm just sayin' to think about this, okay? Have you thought about this? Really thought about it?

I have! I love her, Roger. I love her and she's fantastic and she just told her parents! We've got a big giant place getting prepared and there'll be food and drinks!

Free drinks? I asked, and she nodded. Of course, silly! She said, slapping me on the shoulder with that smile that could make any man or woman do anything for her. She paused, however, and watched me for a second before she spoke.

I want her to like me, Roger. Do you think I'm making the right choice?

For a moment, I wondered if she was making the right choice. But then I wasn't sure what the right choices in life were anymore anyway, and I was hardly the one to give advices on choices after all. So I smiled, brought my hands up, cupped her cheeks and kissed her. I pulled back and she was smiling.

I think...that we're gonna have to find a girl for Mark. There's only so much masturbating a man can do before he goes insane, trust me. She giggled and hugged me and told me that she loved me and was glad that I was here to talk to her about all of this shit. The words meant more to me than she'd ever know, but I wasn't able to tell her that because the loud, booming voice of Collins and the high pitched voice of Angel filled the Loft, floating into my bedroom, and like that, Maureen kissed my cheek with a squeak of happiness and fluttered out to greet Collins and Angel.

It was then that I saw more of April in Maureen than I ever had. The April that I remembered, the happy girl that fluttered and floated around and the simple fact that April was missing her best friend's wedding and, hell, who was I kidding, probable break up made me sad.

Maureen's gonna explode, I think. I heard Mimi's voice from the doorway, and I felt myself smile slightly Yeah, I told her with a slight laugh. I think she may. A small smile spread on her face, making me smile as she stepped toward me.

Am I in for a good show with this whole wedding thing?

I'll bet you ten bucks, I tell her, that Maureen'll be making out with the first girl she sees. Sex is like her drug and stress is her relapse trigger. But, it'll go pretty good for a while, because the attention will be on Joanne and Maureen, and Maureen is part of that, so in reality, all of the attention will be on Maureen. So yeah, I tell her with a smile. You're in for a real good show. Now c'mon, I tell her.

We need to find Mark a girl before he gets even more depressed and detached from reality. I still don't think he'll ever believe this.

[ROGER DAVIS]

January 21st, 1990

Holy shit, I said as we all walked into the country club. This is rich. I feel under dressed. Mimi's arms were wrapped around my waist, and Mark was walking in front of us, eyes looking at every thing around him with a sort of...confused look.

This reminds me of my Bar Mitzvah.

You had lesbians at your Bar Mitzvah? I asked, and Mark nodded. Actually, yeah, he told me. Cindy's best friend brought her girlfriend, though it wasn't her girlfriend. It was her friend.

Ah, the whole 'friend' thing, I said with a nod. I'm sure that's what half of these rich ass people are going to think. It's a life partner. Nothing strange or weird happens with life partners. They're like the 90's name for roommates. What they don't want to think of is those life partners scissoring themselves raw or fucking each other with dildoes every night. But I do, I tell Mark with a smile. I think about it all the time.' I looked back at Collins and Angel with a smile. What about you, I asked Collins and Angel. Are you guys just friends?

Honey, if anyone wants to know about our sex life, I'll be happy to tell them. We fuck. We suck. And we do it well, Angel said with a smile and a wink, leaving Mimi to laugh as we entered the large ballroom.

That's fantastic, I told Mimi before I saw Maureen's parents. Maureen's mother hated me, probably because every chance I got, I tried to get into Maureen's pants. Maureen's mother also hated me because they were rich and I was poor and Maureen chose to slum it in Alphabet City with the rest of the Bohemian rats instead of do whatever it was that rich people did. Maureen's father didn't care for me either, but that's probably because his bitch of a wife forced him to be that way.

They did, however, love Mark. But everyone loved Mark because he was adorable and non-threatening. I was a time bomb waiting to go off.

That's Maureen's parents, I told Mimi, pointing to them and she paused, as if actually studying him. Does she have something in her ass?

She has a stick shoved way up her ass. Don't worry about it, I told Mimi before I eyed the tables. Food, I whispered excitedly to Mimi, and it couldn't have come a moment later; we were all starving. Instantly, Collins, Angel, Mark, myself and Mimi all sat down at the small table and dug in.

I hope Maureen and Joanne's parents know how much we're gonna eat, I replied as I sat down in the chair at the table and Mimi, as she always did, sat right down on my lap. I saw some people look with eyebrows arched at the sight and it wasn't like we hadn't seen that look before. Mimi never used chairs when I was around; my lap was as good a chair as any. I saw Maureen and Joanne talking with Joanne's parents, and I waved over to her, the others around me waving just as excitedly. I watched as she excused herself from the parents and rushed over.

You're wearing leather, I replied, and she grinned widely. I saw Mark's light smirk, and I knew he was thinking the same thing. Maureen was wearing leather. This night was going to be good. Collins' chuckle only further proved my point.

This food, I said with a mouthful of finger-whatever, is fucking fantastic.

Joanne looked at all of us almost...was it sadly? Is this the first time you guys have eaten today?

Does cereal at 12 in the morning count, I heard Mimi ask, and then nodded. Then yeah, she said. This is the first time we've eaten. Joanne sighed and shook her head, and I smiled. Look, I told her, don't let it bother you. Not today. Sit down, have a drink, and think of the after party we're gonna give you.

Oh no, Joanne said, glancing at her parents. You guys are going to behave yourself today, right?

Collins chuckled and said, Calm down, girl. We're gonna be just fine.

It's after this little shindig that you have to be worried about, Maureen said with a smile, before music started up. Real classical music with a real string section, and I wondered how much all of this must have cost Maureen and Joanne's parents.

We sat and chit-chatted (but mostly ate) until the sound of a knife on a glass made all of us turn to look at Joanne's parents.

I'd like to welcome everyone, and congratulate my daughter, Joanne on her wonderful choice of a life partner, Maureen Johnson.

The cheers were the loudest from us, naturally, breaking out into whoops and cat-calls which made other people turn and look, but fuck them, we were happy for our girls.

My husband and I would like to also welcome, Joanne's mother started, Eddie and Nancy Johnson into our family.

Maureen's parents looked humbled and nodded their thanks, and our clapping was a bit lower than before. I was certain it was because Maureen's parents didn't like any one of us except for Mark.

Joanne's mother asked us to stand, which we all did, and raise a glass to the future of Joanne and Maureen. All of us at the table clinked our glasses together, and Mimi and I intertwined our arms and drank from each other's glasses and when I kissed her I tasted champagne. She smiled and said that the champagne was really good. There's a girl with a full bottle, do you think you can con her into giving us a bottle?

I looked over, seeing the girl and she was sort of plain in a way, and I nodded as everyone stood up. I think I could get a few bottles.

Everyone was standing up, congratulating Maureen and Joanne, and I was giving Mark and Joanne a hug when I saw Maureen walk past me, up to the very girl I was going to con. We're gonna have to get Maureen something stronger to drink. She looks nervous as hell. Mark looked over, and saw Maureen not nervous, but laughing.

Oh, no, Mark muttered, and then sighed, looking at me and then going over to Joanne. I heard him say something, but it wasn't clear until Joanne looked over, seeing Maureen giggling, fondling the woman's necklace. There goes my chances to get free alcohol, I muttered. She's a lesbian.

I sat down, slightly defeated, and continued to eat. If anything, I was going to stuff my face until I was so full I could puke.

It was only when Mimi frantically tapped me on the shoulder that I turned around to see it quickly starting to go down.

They were arguing. First, about Maureen's inability to ward of attraction from both sexes. How she was a flirt and Joanne was tired of it. Maureen suddenly hopped up on a table, and I rolled my eyes, standing up as Mark crossed his arms over his chest.

Man, I should have put money on this, I told Mark. We're not even two hours in.

Then, the argument turned louder, twisting and turning around the country club that we were in, and we all followed, not wanting to miss a second of the action. There was yelling on the stairs, yelling in the pool room, and then, as quickly and as violently as it had started, it was over, with the two women walking out on each other. Maureen's mom was standing next to Mark, looking shocked, and she looked up at him, brows narrowed in concern.

Maybe now you two could get back together?

Wow, I heard Mimi said, covering up her smile with the glass of champagne, and I found myself laughing as I shuffled out of the room. Angel was talking to Joanne before I knew it, and I heard Maureen's mom say she didn't know where Maureen was. She wondered if she needed to go talk to her.

Hey, Mrs. J, I told Maureen's mom, and she turned to look at me with an eyebrow arched. I held up a hand and shook my head. I know where she is, I told Nancy Johnson, and then nodded. I'll go talk to her.

I walked out the way we had came in, seeing Maureen sitting on the large front steps of the country club.

That's quite a show you put on.

She shifted her body on the steps, and for a second, I wondered if she really wanted to be left alone. It was then that I realised that soft sniffles were escaping her. Small, tiny sniffles and I swallowed.

Are you crying, baby?

Maureen forced herself to laugh. Me, she asked loudly. Crying? You're out of your damn mind, Davis. However, I didn't believe her one bit. I moved, sitting down next to her on the steps. Instantly, she looped both of her arms into mine, laying her head on my shoulder.

She's so frustrating! And she's such a bore and--and--and she doesn't understand! I don't do things like that on purpose but she makes it like I'm some sort of bitch and I'm not, Roger. I'm not a bitch.

I know you're not a bitch, baby, I told her honestly, moving to kiss the side of her head. She sighed out against me, watching the rich cars move down the street.

Why can't we just get married, Roger?

Because I think my girlfriend would have a problem with it, I commented honestly as I pulled a pack of cigarettes from my leather jacket, pulling one out and lighting it.

No, really. We could get married and run away together and not have to deal with any of this shit, she protested. We're perfect together. You know everything about me, I know everything about you. We've always been good together.

We're not the type to get married, baby, I told her honestly. You and I...I mean, two years ago, we were lucky if we stayed faithful in the same relationship for more than one week. You and Mark and I had April, and we still managed to sleep together. But things are different now. We've both grown up. You may not realise it right now, but you've grown up, MJ. You're just freaking out 'cause you're just now realising it.

Maureen huffed like a child and grabbed the cigarette between my fingers, bringing it up to her own red-painted lips to take a drag in. Growing up sucks, Maureen protested. I nodded in return.

I know it does, baby. But sometimes...y'just gotta go with that person you like, even though it frustrates you and kills you and makes you want to go insane.

Do you love Mimi?

The question caught me off-guard, and for a second I didn't know what to say. I pursed my lips, taking the cigarette from between her red-painted nails, and took in a thoughtful drag in.

I think I do.

She rested her head against my shoulder again with a sigh, and a silence passed between us. I miss April today.

I know, I told her quietly, feeling her hold tighter onto my arm. I miss her too. I felt myself smile lightly then. She's probably laughing her ass off that you're marrying a girl.

Yeah, she told me with a smile. She probably is.

The conversation was ended at that. She asked if she could come home to the Loft, and I told her she'd always be able to come home. The Loft would always be home to us, and she smiled, kissing my cheek. She told me that I was the best friend a girl could have, and I laughed and told her I didn't know about that. My track record with being a good friend was really shitty.

She laughed and stood up and said that she had a horrible track record with being a lover. We could go drown our sorrows in alcohol, she asked, and I nodded even though I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. We walked back inside and I found Mark, Collins, Angel and Mimi and I told them all that we needed to blow the wedding and go back to the Loft and get drunk.

And that's exactly what we did. We went home and we drank to weddings and Lesbians and weddings and when everyone was passed out I saw Maureen crying on the couch and I carried her to my bedroom where she drunkenly told me that she hated herself, but as she pressed her face into my pillow she said that it smelled like me. It smelled like me and it smelled like April and she was crying again. I miss April, she whimpered into the pillow and I sat on the edge of the bed, stroking her hair and I told her to close her eyes. April was always there. Just go to sleep, I told her in a whisper. She'll be waiting.

Ten minutes later, she was asleep and I woke Mimi up so we could go to bed, and when I finally got to sleep, I felt Mimi get up and out of bed, though I couldn't open my eyes to see where she was going.

I didn't dream that night. It's probably a good thing.

[ROGER DAVIS]

February 3rd, 1990

It was snowing yesterday, the ten-thousand feet of snow we were supposed to get covering New York, so we stayed inside. I braved the cold only once; a quick run up to the corner to grab a bucket of spaghetti, a bottle of booze and some garlic bread that was frozen by the time I got it back to the Loft. I mumbled and muttered and cursed about the cold, and she merely smiled at me, lit the small wood burning stove she had, and started to heat everything up.

We sat in the middle of her small living room area, crossed-legged like indians and she told me how she had never had the food from the small Italian place until two weeks ago when Angel took her. She slurped her spaghetti and it made me smile in ways I'd never thought I'd smile again and something must have changed in the room, because she was smiling at me and leaning over the spaghetti and semi-warm garlic bread to press her lips against mine and right then I felt like I was falling.

We ended up breathless and sweaty and content on the couch an hour later, and Mimi rested her head on my chest and told me that she hadn't felt this way. About anyone, really. Was that weird?

I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just shrugged. She was silent and I was silent and then she spoke. Do you like me, Roger?

I remembered April asking me the same time two nights after I met her as she laid in almost the exact same position as Mimi was. My eyes stayed trained on the ceiling, and stay silent for what seemed like forever. You know I like you, I told her against the now silence of the darkened room. I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you. She fell silent after that, until she spoke, and her voice was different than before. I know, she started, that you don't like the drugs.

I shifted slightly at that, my eyes trying to count the specks on the ceiling, though as she continued, I felt my eyes close and a sigh escape my lips. It's not that I don't like the drugs, I started, my eyes still closed, but all I saw was images of April so I opened them. I just...I can't do it anymore. I looked from the ceiling to her and sighed out again. That life? That life is over with. That person...died. A long time ago.

I'm trying to quit, she told me seriously as if I was a father or some older guardian. I'm really trying. I just...I can't.

You can. My words were strong and even and I swallowed. I quit, I told her. I quit cold turkey and I'm still here. I don't wanna put you through that, but baby, you gotta quit. You gotta.

I fell silent after that, just like she did, and then it was awkward. It was that silence that made me wonder if she'd really quit. She didn't say anything and I didn't say anything and we laid there, until she decided that she didn't want to think anymore. She didn't want to think about it anymore, because she kissed me harder than before, ground her hips into mine, and growled in my ear to fuck her. Fuck her hard.

So I did. We only knew each other for a little while, and yet she knew that whenever she growled into my ear it flicked a switch in me. It brought out the almost animal in me, and makes me want to taste every inch of her. Sink my fingers and tongue into every inch of her until she screamed. She wanted a distraction? I'd give her a distraction, one that would make her shiver and shake and beg to the lord above for release. We should have been talking, but we were fucking instead. Fucking always felt better than talking anyway. She also knows how to completely exhaust me and we both passed out after what seemed like ten or twenty orgasms per person per second.

I woke up later to an empty couch and I looked up, expecting to see her smoking by the window or making coffee. I didn't hear anything, and I got up, clad only in boxers and made my way slowly and tiredly through the apartment. There was silence and I looked into her room, the bead curtain the only door to her room, however, when I looked in, she looked up at me almost like a deer in the headlights. She was two seconds away from shooting up, and I couldn't even speak. I wanted to tell her to come back to the couch. I'd make her feel better than any drug ever could. She wanted body-numbing experiences? Let me fuck her again.

But of course, I was too much of a pussy to say any of that. So I pursed my lips and left to the living room. I sat down on the couch, putting my head in my hands until I heard the soft footsteps against the stone floor.

Please don't look at me like that.

Her voice was soft and small, and it reminded me more of a child than ever just then. I turned to look at her, and there was a thin layer of sweat covering her body that reflected against the light. Her hands were shaking, and she looked sick. My throat tightened, and before I could even fully extend my arms to her, she rushed into them, wrapping her arms and legs around me, as if trying to bury herself inside of me. She was crying, shaking and I could hardly understand what she was saying.

Don't look at me like that. My Momma looked at me like that all my life. She started speaking in Spanish that I didn't understand and my brows narrowed deeply. She was crying and I pulled her back, brushing wet hair that stuck to her face before pulling her back to me and wrapping my arms around her. I knew she was scared, but she had done something that, back then, I hadn't had the balls to do. She had put it down. She had pulled a Nancy Reagan and fuckin' said no, and for that? I was prouder than I had ever been of her.

I know you're scared, I told her in a whisper. I know you're scared, baby, but I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you get through this. I held her head in my hands and told her that I'd help her. I'd protect her and I'd try my best to make it as easy as possible for her, but inside, what I didn't tell her is that I was fucking terrified for her. Because withdrawal almost killed me, what would it to do her?

She was shaking and crying still and I lifted her thin frame into my arms and took her into the bedroom. She laid down on the bed, and through shivers told me that she was illin'. She needed drugs already and it had only been like, five hours. I gave her a xanax that I had gotten from the Man and told her to chill out.

While her eyes were closed, I took one too, and we both curled up on the bed, her shaking, sweating frame almost dwarfed by my thin frame, and we both fell asleep. For how long? I had no clue.

[ROGER DAVIS]

February 5th, 1990

I'm going to go crazy, Mark.

Mark looked at me with an almost sad look as he set the mug of coffee down in front of me. A sigh escaped his lips, and for a second, he merely watched me. My hair was soaking wet from the rain outside, and he sat down across from me in the worn green chair. You should change, he told me seriously. You're gonna get sick.

I'm not gonna get sick, Mom, I told him with a slight roll of my eyes, and just like that, we sat in silence. She was sleeping when I left, I said, breaking the silence. I gave her another downer. It seems to be working.

So you're gonna get her addicted to pills to get her off the smack? Mark's voice was almost...was it annoyed? I lifted the mug to my lips, taking a sip of the warm liquid and swallowed it. It hit my stomach and sloshed around, and I realised that I hadn't eaten anything in what seemed like forever. I'm doing whatever I can to ease her pain. Of course, I wanted to tell Mark that I wanted to give my life for her if I could, but I couldn't say the words event though I'm sure he already knew.

I don't know what I'm going to do, Mark, okay? My voice was soft, even and tired and yet, it felt right and sure. But when I know...I'll let you know.

We finished the coffee in silence, before a thunderclap made me jerk slightly. I had been up in the Loft for a while, and I wondered if Mimi was awake. Mark seemed to sense my wondering, and he set his mug down on the metal coffee table. Go, he told me. I'll bring down some soup later.

We both stood up and I reached to him, pulling him into a hug. He told me, his voice muffled by my shoulder, that he was there. There for me and there for Mimi and he didn't want me to do this alone. I stood there, before I pulled back and nodded. I know, man, I told him with a sigh. I know you are.

I went down the fire escape and the rain was pouring, soaking me even more than I already was. I entered through Mimi's bedroom window, and for a second, the only sound I heard was the sound of the rain against the window and the echo of thunder clapping in the distance. Then, I heard the sounds that had once been so familier to me, because that had once been all I heard. Mimi's retching made a frown spread deep onto my face and I moved to the bathroom, only to see her sitting on the edge of the tub, curled up and dry-heaving. Instantly, I rushed to her and she pulled away from me, as if my touch seemed to burn her skin.

Come on, baby, I murmured, and she was crying and shaking as if every single cell in her body was dying. I picked her up, her sweat-soaked body feeling like it was light as a feather as I took her out to the couch. It's gonna be okay, baby, I told her as I set her down on the couch, and she curled her legs up to her chest, shaking and crying and asking me when it would stop. That she couldn't do this. It hurts, Roger. It hurts so much.

My heart felt like it was going to break in two, break and wash away with the rain that was pouring down. Her voice was strained, begging me just for one last hit and for a second, I actually wanted to give it to her. I wanted to end all of it and just say tomarrow. Tomarrow we'd stop. But I had done that so many times in the past with April. We always told ourselves that we had tomarrow...but I knew now that Mimi and I...we only had today.

Hey, look at me, I told her, holding her head in my hands. She was burning up, and it made me frown as I brushed sweat-soaked hair from her forehead. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay, baby, 'cause I'm right here. Okay, you're really burning up, baby. We gotta get you into a bath.

I wasn't sure if that was the most medical-accurate thing to do, but fuck it, I wasn't a doctor. I didn't fucking know. I knew about drugs. I knew about withdrawal. I knew that she was in pain and I was going to do everything I could to help her.

I carried her to the bathroom and drew a bath, watching as the water filled the tub. I tried to ignore how the water sounded sloshing against the tub, and I turned to Mimi and helped her take off her thin shirt, her bra, panties and underwear until she was standing there, shivering and naked. I helped her into the tub and she cried out in pain, one hand clutching deathly tight against my arm and the other against the edge of the tub. Shh, I told her in a whisper, shaking my head. It's okay, it'll hurt for a second but it'll feel better.

She sat in the water, silent and shaking as her eyes closed. Her teeth were chattering slightly, though I figured it was from pain that cold. Angel told me, she spoke after what seemed like a lifetime of silence only marked by little sounds of grunts and groans from Mimi. I settled down against the tub, looking at her. Told you what, baby? I found myself asking, and she didn't open her eyes.

About your girl.

My heart was clenched tight, though I tried to not let it show. Oh? And how'd Angel find out?

Collins has a big mouth.

Of course he did, I silently thought and I moved to take a cigarette from the pack of the counter. I lit it in silence. Collins wasn't around much, you know. After everything. He left. Not that I'm blaiming him for leaving, or making it sound like he was a piece of shit, 'cause he wasn't, baby. He was a very good friend in his own way.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't sure if she was saying she was sorry for what happened to April, or what was happening now, or if the mind-numbing hallucinations were taking over and she was saying sorry to someone that wasn't there, but she didn't elaborate or continue.

Don't be. My words were simple, the meaning behind them was not. I didn't want to talk to her about it, because I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to tell Mimi about April, because I wasn't sure how it would sound. How I could make it sound like I didn't care about April anymore.

She was shaking and groaning, and she told me that she needed Xanax. Anything to take the edge off. I got her shaking form out of the bath, dried her off and tried to ignore the jutting hipbones. Tried to ignore the fact that it seemed that my hands could wrap around her waist and touch, she was so thin. I took her into the bedroom, laid her down on the bed and watched as she curled into herself a ball.

Sing me a song, Roger.

I wasn't sure what she wanted me to sing. I moved, grabbing my guitar as I sat on the bed. She curled tighter, a sob escaping her lips and I just wanted to stop her shaking. I thought instantly of something that my mother had done when I had been little. Maybe that was the reason I had gotten into music, I thought silently. My mom used to sing 'Dream A Little Dream' by the Mamas and Papas. It had been one of her favourite songs, and one of mine, it seemed. I started playing the guitar, surprised that I still knew it after all these years, and then started singing.

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'
Birds singing in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me
Say nighty night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

I could see Mimi start to cry, however, as I continued to sing, I saw her slowly start to close her eyes, and then her body went limp against the bed, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop the tears falling down my cheeks. But I was thankful, so thankful that she didn't see me cry.

I know she knows I'm breaking, but I can't let her see me shatter.

[ROGER DAVIS]

March 5th, 1990

You know that feeling that you get when you know someone's watching you? That feeling made my eyes open, and above me was Mimi's face. She was smiling lightly, sweat-covered but yet, the colour had come back to her cheeks. Life had been seemingly poured back into her body, and I found myself smiling tiredly.

Hey, baby.

Her voice was rough, raw and scratchy but it sounded better than it had ever been. It's a month after the hell that was withdrawal and she looks better. Of course, Mimi was a junkie who had AIDS, so she couldn't look like a million bucks, but at that very moment? She looked beautiful.

I lifted my head up to kiss her, and our lips met slowly, almost as if waters were being tested all over again. She was straddling my knee, grinding her hips against my leg, and her hands were moving down, down my stomach and god her hands were warm as she wrapped her fingers around me, though I opened my eyes after I gasped and brought a hand up, pressing it against her cheek.

C'mon, baby, not now, I told her, though I knew she knew that my body was saying the complete opposite. Sometimes, I hated having a dick. She leaned down, lips against my cheek and she whispered that she needed this. She needed this so bad, because this made her feel alive and she had died. She was sure she had died and then came back to life. Like a saint.

I had once thought that Heroin had been my saint. I had it once in my head that Heroin was the girl I loved to hate. She made me feel so good but punished me endlessly when I decided to leave her for a few hours. But Mimi? Mimi was different. Mimi brought life into me. She made me smile when I was sure that I had lost the ability to. She made me feel again. And feel I was. I felt every single movement of her fingers. The warmth of her body. Mimi's actually the only girl I can easily say I make love with. Sure, there's fucking, but there were times like that, that made me wonder where she had been all my life.

Three hours later, we woke up and made our way outside after I had convinced Mimi that the air, however cold, would do her good. Mimi was still weak, but Collins had called Mark and asked if we could all meet at the Life. I hadn't seen Collins in over two weeks, and Mimi hadn't seen Angel in longer, so we made our way down to the Life Cafe. We entered and no one was there yet, so we sat down at a booth and I ordered coffee for the both of us. We quietly sipped until I heard the cry of Mimi Chica! and we both turned our heads to see Angel enter with her signature black bob and make-up. Collins followed after her with a smile, and Mimi and I both got out of the booth to embrace each other.

Where's MJ and Jo? I asked Collins after we had sat back down in the booth, and he lifted up a shoulder in a shrug. Mo's sleepin' and Jo's at work, he replied cooly. Angel and Mimi excused themselves to the bathroom, probably to gossip/catch up and I looked over at Collins. The man looked almost too serious, and I tilted my head slightly, reaching into my pocket to pull out the pack of cigarettes. What? I asked him as I lit the cigarette.

I'm proud of you, kid, he told me with a slight nod. Real proud. That shit ain't easy. Gettin' Mimi clean.

It's a day by day thing, I offered with a shrug, trying not to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, because...well, was it really that big of a deal? I did what I had to do.

What was I supposed to do? Let her waste away? I've already watched one girl die, I'm not going to watch another--

The door to the life jingled open, and I turned my head to see Mark brushing off snow from his blonde hair, camera in hand. I motioned over my shoulder to Mark as I looked at Collins.

Wonderful. The Albino is here.

You know he hates when you call him that, Collins replied with a slight smile. Besides, what have I told you? It's Pumpkin-headed Albino-lookin' mother fucker.

And as Mark sat down, muttering something about a yuppie fucker in a BMW almost running him over at the corner and Mimi and Angel coming back, Angel's laugh seemingly filling the life, I sat with Collins, Angel, Mimi and Mark and for a second, I simply smiled.

GUYS! GUYS, I AM SO READY TO GET SHITFACED!

And as I heard that yelling from the doorway to the Life, Maureen's presence filled the hole in the family and at that moment, things were nice.

I could even say things were perfect and I was wondering when I'd wake up from this dream.