sweet dreams beautiful nightmare (Roger)(Casual)

[meems]

Mimi was sleeping she’d fallen asleep on Roger’s chest after a long night at the Cat Scratch Club. She was sprawled out over him her long legs and arms this way or that. Her cravings for heroin still an ever present force in her life. Mimi was learning to resist this craving though but she understood why her boyfriend became something of a hermit after his own withdrawal. The temptation to buy drugs was strong when she was out and about, especially after work when she had cash in her boots. Mimi made it a point when she left the loft not to take any money with her. She knew if she had money on her she’d buy drugs with it.

She didn’t want to fail Roger more than she had already though. It wouldn’t be fair to him if she did that. Mimi was dreaming now so all of the temptation of the day was gone. It had drifted off and translated to a nightmare. This was a nightmare that Mimi often had especially after she had gotten herself clean. She was just a seven year old little girl again. She hadn’t had much of a birthday but her mom had tried to make a cake even though they didn’t have the ingredients for cake. Mimi was awake in her bedroom that she shared with her three older sisters. Her parents were arguing in the next room but it wasn’t quiet arguing of normal parents. This was full blasted yelling. Mimi had her hands over her ears while her sister Maria sang gentle songs to put her and the others to sleep.

Mimi was watching herself though, kind of like someone who watched a movie about another person watched. She was an outsider on her own life which for Mimi was weird almost like when she was high except she wasn’t. Mimi watched as they all heard the front door to the little apartment they lived in slam. The younger version of herself went running from the room and out the door screaming. She was screaming partially in English and Spanish begging and pleading with her momma to come back. It was like Rosa didn’t even care though she didn’t turn back at them once. Mimi watched as Juan came out after her younger self in a furious drunken rage. Mimi couldn’t do anything while she watched the young Mimi scream in pain while Juan called her named. And told her that it was her fault that Rosa had left.

Mimi had believed it at the time but soon found out that it wasn’t her fault. Mimi knew that it was Juan who drove Rosa away. And if she hadn’t died in the car accident that fateful night that Maria, Marisol, Mercedes and herself would have been living with her. Mimi found herself being pulled out of the dream by a knock on the door. Mimi jerked awake to the sound her dream making her feel like it was going to be someone telling her that someone else she loved was dead.

Padding across the cold floor barefoot, in Roger’s shirt and boxers, Mimi went to the door and opened it. Relief washed over her when it was just Mark who had left his key and needed it to get back in. Watching as the other roommate of hers retrieved his key and left saying he’d be back later with food and everything too Mimi shut and locked the door again. Crawling back into bed with Roger who had muttered something that she could only assume was who was at the door or who was it she wasn’t sure at the moment.

“It was just Mark, he forgot his keys” said Mimi to Roger settling in on his warmth again and looking at the watch on Roger’s wrist to see the time.

Mimi kind of groaned at how early it was in the morning and decided it wasn’t worth waking Roger up to just talk. Or to have sex or whatever they decided but she was now to wound up to sleep again. Gathering up a fresh change of clothes Mimi made her way to the single bathroom in the loft. A bathroom that didn’t lock all that easily but Mimi understood why. Starting the shower for herself she got out of Roger’s clothes and under the blessedly hot water.

[ROGER DAVIS]

The last few hours were a complete blur of arms and legs and pleasured feelings that had come over him in huge waves, leaving him exhausted. Happy, but completely exhausted. Hours ago, he had heard the door open, and he had gotten up from where he had been sitting on his bed to the living room, leaning against the hallway frame as he watched her drop her bag near the door. It was the way it happened almost every night lately. She had been working more to pay for both of their meds, and possibly to get her mind off of the fact that she had been clean. With all of this overtime at the club, she had been away from the Loft more and more, and it always seemed that it had been a lifetime since he had seen her.

It always happened the same; he'd watch her, arms crossed against the door frame, and one of them would move. Either she would slink up to him, eyes locked onto him, hungry and needy, and they would forget where Mimi ended and Roger began. Other times, he wouldn't be able to stand it. He'd stand, arms cross, and then something would come over him. A sharp, almost sweetly painful feeling and he'd cross the distance between where he was standing and she was standing and he'd get lost in everything that was her. He had done the latter, so much so that they had both passed out, still connected fully to each other. The peace lasted, until he had heard something in the distance. Something through the fog that was sleep, and he mumbled out things that could have been words if he had been fully awake. Vaguely, he felt Mimi leave and then come back, saying something about Mark. Mark and keys.

"Shoulda gone in through the window." he mumbled, sighing out as he pulled the pillow closer to him. He wasn't sure if he had fallen back to sleep, but a loud, shrilling beep woke him from sleep. "Turn it off." he groaned, and reached over blindly from under the sheets and pillows to grab the AZT beeper by on the nightstand, tossing it across the room. It silenced itself, and all was quiet again.

That is, until he heard that sound.

He knew exactly where he was. He knew what day it was and what year, but yet, through sleep, it messed with his mind. Made things foggy. At first, he mumbled out a response at the sound of the water. "Don't get water on the floor. Mark'll kill us..." he mumbled, but then, as he slowly woke, his heart dropped, past his stomach, down to the very tips of his feet. He snapped up, bleary-eyed and fogged as he shot up in bed, hand moving to the side of him where Mimi's body always was. It was cold. Heart thumping wildly in his chest, he jolted up from the bed, nearly tripping on the clothes in his path as he rushed to the bathroom, with every step his mind saying the same thing.

No.

No.

NO.

He skidded to a stop, pressing the door open with a near slam, his eyes wide, breath hitched. He needed to quit smoking, something in the back of his mind told him. A short run had winded him. But the breath that he had held was expelled quickly as he saw her. Instantly, a thousand emotions hit him, slamming into him with a force that actually made him clench his fingers onto the door frame, his knees nearly buckling. It was then he realised the wetness of unshed tears in his eyes.

"...Jesus fucking Christ."

[meems]

Mimi was resting in the water she had her arms and legs both in the tub soaking the aches of dancing out of her muscles. Leaving her in the blissful peace of dancing and the exhaustion that came with it, Mimi loved the feeling of it. She could compare it to being high on heroin but it wasn’t really the same. The high that came from drugs was different it was a blur of wild thoughts and energy. This was a blur of muscle aches and sore feet that amounted to something beautiful. Mimi knew she spent allot of time at work lately to keep her mind and body busy. She was the opposite of Roger in that aspect she was more likely to relapse if she wasn’t doing something. Mimi thrived off of motion and moving. Roger was more of a home body than she was but she was ok with that she was glad to know there was someone that was going to be at the house for her when she returned.

Mimi knew what happened when she got off work, it was always the same but always different at the same time. It was a feeling that Mimi loved and enjoyed. Roger stood in the door frame his arms crossed obviously hating her job. And she would slink up to him in such a way that made him forget about it and the two would meld into each other in a mass of tangled limbs that didn’t have anywhere to go. They were a knot when that happened one body was tangled so far into the other one they didn’t know where any one body started. Other times Roger was too mad and he’d just stand there. She’d sit there and wait for him to come to her. And when that happened it was the same as before a tangle of the two bodies.

Mimi was sitting in the tub just enjoying a hot bath. She heard her AZT beeper go off. Her beeper was on the floor so stretching out with her dancer limbs she found her beeper and shut it off. The walk to get to her AZT was a little far at the moment for as comfortable as she was under the water. And she knew that she still had some time before things went south for her. Mimi knew the importance of AZT. Both she and Roger needed it because they both had HIV. It made it easy for Mimi to let Roger in she didn’t have to worry about passing it on to him.

Mimi was singing quietly to herself something from the club. She had a foot bouncing back and forth to the beat. She wasn’t high on the talented scale with singing dancing was more her thing but she did have a voice to her. Mimi was kind of in her own world craving a cigarette which was better than the heroin craving she had. She knew she needed to give up the smoking too but that wasn’t nearly as dangerous as shooting up every night so the smoking could wait and between her and Roger there was an endless supply of the damn things and matches and lighters. The matches made Mimi think back to her first meeting with Roger. As she thought of Roger she heard his voice behind her. He sounded upset which didn’t come off well to her. Mimi turned around in the tub to see Roger on the floor.

“Roger are you alright” asked Mimi

[ROGER DAVIS]

She died. Her name was April.

Mimi knew that April had died. He had told her she had killed herself almost seven months before they had met, but he hadn't told her much else. Even after everything, the closeness that Mimi and Roger shared, he wasn't sure if he could talk to Mimi about April. But surely, Mimi knew, right? She had to have realised the fact that he hardly kept razors around. How he always peeked his head in if she was taking her bath, or always joined her either in the tub or smoking on the side.

He sank down to the floor near the bathtub, hand moving to fish around the floor for a pack of cigarettes that he remembered laying there. "It's nothing." he said finally, clearing his throat as he flicked the lighter, lighting the end of the cigarette before he took a deep drag in.

"Sorry, I just---I wasn't awake and I think I was having one of those--like, awake-y dream things. It's cool, baby. It's fine."

If he repeated the words, he'd convince her and maybe even convince himself.

[meems]

Mimi was aware that April had killed herself, but she didn’t know the details. She had gotten some information from Mark who happened to be really dumb when Mimi was being manipulative. Mimi had known before that by what Roger had said that night that they met that April had died. She wasn’t worried about what happened at the time, but she was kind of off of her high. She was more worried about having sex and getting her high at that time. But after she became more clear headed she got worried. She understood the lack of razors in the loft. She understood some of why Roger sat by her or joined her in the tub or poked his head in every two seconds.

Mimi made it a point not to worry him though, she made sure that she sang or something while she was in the tub. Because she knew he worried about her and she worried about him when he got like this worrying about her and off somewhere else thinking about April. Mimi watched him light a cigarette after he took a long deep drag off of it she plucked it out of his hand with her dry hand a took a drag off of it herself before handing it back to him. Mimi needed to smoke she had given up heroin but continued to smoke. She needed something to take the edge off once in a while and smoking seemed to help. It was why Mark seemed to get used to it because they both smoked along with Collins when he was around.

“Roger you sure you are ok babe” asked Mimi genuinely concerned about Roger

She knew April’s death had been hard on him. Looking at him and sitting up more in the tub. She draped her tan legs over the side of the tub and let them hang out in the air. Her feet weren’t in the most amazing condition ever though. The years of dancing had done a number on her feet. But she knew Roger didn’t mind it too much. Mimi watched Roger’s expressions to see what he’d do. Depending on his mood he might join her in the tub or stay beside it. But she knew he wasn’t leaving her alone there not after his appearance in the bathroom. She knew that he was just worried and she was ok with that she hadn’t had anyone worry over since she was about ten years old. Mimi was worried about him too.

“You want to join me in the tub” asked Mimi

[ROGER DAVIS]

"I'm fine."

It was a lie, and he knew it. But then again, he didn't know how to tell Mimi about April. About the reasons why he did the things that he did. When she plucked the cigarette from his fingers, taking a drag as she moved, draping her tanned legs across the tub. He sighed out, moving to place a kiss on the side of her calf. Her legs might have been one of his favourite places on Mimi's body. Of course, every place on Mimi's body was his favourite place, but her calfs were strong from dancing.

When she asked if he wanted to join her, he let his lips linger on her leg, before a small smile crossed on his lips. He pressed one more kiss onto her leg before standing, pulling off his shirt and boxers before he slid down into the warm water behind her.

The water was soothing, not to mention the feeling of Mimi against him. "I have this thing...against bathtubs. And bathrooms. And water." He found himself laughing, but it was a sad laugh as he brought the cigarette up to his lips. "When I say it, it sounds stupid."

[meems]

“Roger just talk with me about this, you can’t just bottle it up” said Mimi

Mimi never heard the full story but she knew that it had something to do with suicide and other little hints told her how. And Mark had confirmed it but now it made Mimi worry about Roger. Roger had spent allot of time worrying about her and now it was her turn to worry on him. She had to worry about him someone had to and she could tell he had pushed any other chance of that way. Mimi couldn’t help but worry about him and he worried about her because she had burned all the other bridges in her life for help. Mimi knew that if she looked she might be able to find her older sisters but she didn’t want to in some ways it was better they didn’t speak. She hadn’t heard from any of her sisters since they were sixteen and she was the baby so the last sister who left Mimi was only thirteen. But that seemed to be the way of the Marquez family. She somehow hoped that Juan Marquez her father never followed them after she left.

Mimi let a free friendly giggle go when he kissed her calf. Mimi knew Roger loved her legs dancing worked to her advantage with that. But her feet had to be her least favorite place on herself luckily not too many people saw her feet freely she wore things at work that covered the damaged feet up. Mimi loved when Roger pressed his lips against anything on her. She had to say if she had to choose a favorite place on Roger it would be his chest. Followed by his hands, the hands were one of the first things she got to touch on him when they were having their little encounter over candles. Mimi loved how awkward and off he seemed then. But that wasn’t what drew her too him like a moth to a flame. Something about him told her he’d be good for her and so far he was good for her. He had gotten her off of drugs with allot of work, he kept her on her meds, he kept her coming home every night.

Mimi smiled with Roger’s lips on her legs she loved him dearly. She sometimes wished he’d open up to her about April. The woman that she reminded him of, she reminded allot of people of April. At least when she smiled she did, she didn’t ever meet April but she knew the woman was a huge chapter in Roger’s life. What Mark had spilled and what she had managed to pry out of Collins and Benny even. She knew that April had something to do with Roger’s HIV as well. Mimi wasn’t sure where she got hers anymore she was such a problem when she first came to New York. Angel had been the person who got her set up to be able to be off of the street. Something about not having Angel there had sent Mimi back to the streets. And without Roger to talk her out of it no one was there to stop her. Mimi watched Roger undress as he got into the tub with her. She pressed herself against him and rested her head on his shoulder listening to him talk.

Mimi heard his laugh and what he said it wasn’t a stupid thing. But his laugh wasn’t a free formed laugh like she seemed to have. She didn’t have as many of those lately though since Angel since the death of one of her best friends. Angel had been such a huge part in Mimi’s life and what connected her to the place to meet Roger. Mimi heard Roger’s sad laugh a laugh that made her worry more about him.

“Roger it’s not stupid and it doesn’t sound stupid. What’s stupid is the fact that Mark was still dumped by Maureen for Joanne” said Mimi

She knew that usually got a laugh out of him. A real laugh because well it was funny at the expense of Mark. Mimi sometimes felt bad for Mark but she knew that he would never have been attractive to her. She thought of Mark like the Jewish brother she never had. Someone she could pick on some because well she knew that someday Mark would find someone who could make him like she and Roger were or like Collins and Angel or even like Maureen and Joanne. Mimi hadn’t been around when Mark was dumped for Joanne but she knew how it happened she had been told.

[ROGER DAVIS]

Roger, talk to me. You can't just bottle it up.

Oh, he could, he wanted to tell her. She didn't realise the extent of his bottling abilities. "I...can't." he finally said, though he pushed the thought away of speaking anymore, bringing the cigarette up to his lips as he leaned his head back against the tub.

Oh, Mark. A small smile spread on Roger's lips at the mention of Maureen and Joanne. "Joanne's a good girl." Roger said, though he felt his smile drop slightly. "You know I was part of the reason why they broke up, right? I-I mean, I didn't shove Joanne's pussy in Maureen's face or anything, but..."

Now was the thing that he needed to explain, and he wished he hadn't even said anything on the subject. "...I can't even begin to tell you how April's death affected me. You think you saw me down when you first met me but..." he felt himself trail off, shaking his head lightly. "It's strange to say but when you met me, I was starting to get better." He paused, pursing his lips.

"You know what, just--it's not important anymore. Just forget it." But of course, he knew it wasn't that easy. Mimi would poke and prod like she had when they had first met, out of love of course, and Roger couldn't even bring himself to get mad at her, but...didn't she realise how hard it was?