If I Could Turn Back Time ~ Sebastian's Diary

[SEBASTIAN TIMOTHY MARTIN]

SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THESE

.
.
.
.
.
.

this is the diary of sebastian martin.

[SEBASTIAN TIMOTHY MARTIN]

I AM A MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW

.
.
.
.
.
.

Dear Diary,

Is that right? I've never had a diary before. You'd think someone like me would learn to keep one, but I never saw the need to. I always thought they were for teenage girls who wanted to gush about boys they liked, until James suggested I keep one. He said it would clear my head of the eroding thoughts plastered all over my brain. Or at least he did in more eloquent terms. I tend to exaggerate things...

It was lucky for me when I found this old typewriter at a garage sale. James thought it was stupid, just use a computer or actual pen and paper, he said. But... This thing just suits my tastes. Its not too big, but not too small either. I really like it...

This is so ridiculous. I'm talking to no one but myself, and I could say all these things to myself outloud... Though then people would think I'm crazy. Which I AM, but they don't need to know that.

I should really just stop writing this right now, though I don't want to disappoint James. Of course he'll never read this, but I hate lying to him. I hate lying to anyone, really, even though my particular "side" occupation calls for it. Sometimes I feel like a superhero, saving people everyday. But then that's just me being silly, isn't it? Superheros don't exist. I don't really like to think of myself as some sort of divine savior, though James thinks I'm playing God with all of this shit.

He doesn't get that I can't help it. I want to help people, you know? I feel partially responsible for their lives, when I can see their ends clearly in my head. I want to know they're safe, protected, surrounded by loved ones. Not cold and alone in the street.

Mind you, I don't save EVERYONE. That would be insane. I mostly just save people that are in the immediate area. The people who are far away, or really old and ready to die, I just let them be. Its better this way. But I think about all the people the person in my vision is leaving behind... Spouses, children, pets, siblings, friends, coworkers... The life they're leaving behind... when I think about that, my feet just carry me to them, because I can't let them die.

I hope one day these visions do go away. As much as I love saving people, I dread every vision I have, simply because of how tormenting they are. Cliché, I know, but its the truth. I can't talk to anyone about it, I can't take meds for it, I can't scream about it. Its practically suffocating.

Sometimes, they're so real that they don't feel like visions anymore. And then other times... They're blurry, like an old film real that's succumbed to erosian. Those are the ones that bother me the most. I only catch glimpses of the true horror, and then my active imagination is left to fill in the rest. Its completely nerve racking.

Oh God, I keep going on and on... But... You know what? This has been quite liberating. Maybe James was right! ... I think I'll keep doing this. Not every day... Just when I'm feeling down I guess... Or angry... Or hyper. Or really, really happy.

So, umm... I guess I should stop writing then? How do I end this, with my name and then the date? Okay, um...

Sebastian Timothy Martin
6/29/2011