Richard III: Act I, Scene II|Nonsensical Version

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

It was one of those days when the weather couldn't make up its mind. Earlier that morning the sun had been shining and the birds had been singing, but dark storm clouds had gathered across the sky early afternoon, ominous with the promise of rain.

At least the weather was fitting for a visit to the graveyard. If it was sunny, Richard suspected it wouldn't have been so macabre, and wasn't that one of the points of graveyards?

Not that he was afraid of death.

He had come to the cemetery that day to visit his father's grave; he hadn't been to see the old chap in awhile. In one hand he held a small bunch of roses, which he intended to place at the headstone.

However, as he was heading in the direction of Richard Plantagenet Senior's grave, he decided to take a detour and visit that of Edward d'Anjou. Richard had a habit of visiting the grave of his rival for Anne's affections every once in awhile, just to have a gloat.

As he drew near to the headstone, however, he noticed none other than Anne Lancaster there. His sombre expression changed instantly to a small, wan smile, as he limped over towards her.

"So wise, so young, they say, do never live long..." he commented wryly.

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne groaned and rolled her eyes at hearing Richard Plantagent, "does not a rat know were to find some place to stay,.." she spat out and started to clean her eyes.

Turning away she continued to look at the tomb of her husband her boy had stayed at home were he belonged, she really did not need in her wooing depressing moment the face of the dog that was Richard plantagent.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

"Does not a rat know were to find some place to stay,.."

Richard winced a little at the harshness of Anne's words. Clearly the pair of them weren't quite back on speaking terms.

"I hope you're speaking metaphorically, my dear Anne. I am no rat. On the contrary, if we're going to keep the animal imagery going here, you happen to remind me of a dove...pure and perfect in every way."

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne shifted her gaze at his comment about if she was speaking metaphorically, she could only laugh at those words, " A dove, a dove who gets shot down or trampled on... if I were anything you would be a cow , and I would be a sheep" she screeched and continued looking down as she sat down and sniffled her nose.

She wanted to cry but should she do it in front of the man who had killed her husband she wondered, and why in the hell was he even here on her hallow ground, "You fiend" she mumbled and saw or felt a tear trickle down the brim of her cheek.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

" A dove, a dove who gets shot down or trampled on..."

Oops. Richard reckoned he really should have thought of all the connotations, but it was too late for that now. But Anne was clearly not in the mood to discuss the matter; she was screeching rather than speaking at a normal volume...this generally served to indicate something was wrong.

"...if I were anything you would be a cow , and I would be a sheep"

Richard's eyes widened a little...a cow? Was that the best she could come up with? And in what way was she a sheep? He got the connotation of pure sacrificial lamb to the slaughter easily enough...

But it was clear that exchanging animalistic insults wasn't going to get either of them very far.

"You fiend"

OK, Richard could live with being called a cow. But a fiend? That was not on at all. But he wasn't about to continue playing the insult game.

"If I'm a fiend then what are you but an angel?" he said with a smile. It was then he noticed a tear sliding down Anne's cheek. Drat. If there was one thing he hated it was people crying in front of him. He couldn't do tears.

"Now now Anne, a weeping angel will not do," he said, in an attempt to be comforting.

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne turned around glarring daggers at the man as she started to step towards the man and grabbed his collar and shaked him " I AM NEITHER AN ANGEL SIR, NOR A DOVE ... SO STOP CALLING ME BY THOSE NAMES SIR" she yelled and dropped him on the ground and started to ruffle through her purse as she kicked him with her heel hoping to hear a little yip from his mouth so that they could get a little fiesty after all she did hate the man especially his visits.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

Anne's reaction was not the one Richard had been anticipating. She swiftly moved towards him, grabbed him by the collar, yelled in his face, shook him, dropped him on the ground and kicked him...and all in quick, painful succession.

"Ow."

Richard winced and attempted to get back on his feet, until he figured his current position might help his cause. Maybe if Anne felt she had the upper hand it would help things a bit.

"Okay then..." he said, brushing down his suit jacket absent-mindedly as he looked up at Anne. "What would you rather I called you?"

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne just quirked her brow after she had finished powdering her nose and just chuckled as she extended out her hand and wanted to help him up, "Don't tell me you did not deserve that and just call mee miss djoun "she told him and sighed waiting for his weight to appear so that she could help him up as she looked at the flowers and wondered who were those for. ?

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

As Anne extended a slender hand to help him up Richard inwardly smirked. He had to admit he was lucky that Anne was so inclined to be helpful. He scooped up the bunch of flowers which he had dropped in his fall and accepted Anne's hand up.

At her words however, he frowned slightly.

"You want me to call you Miss d'Anjou?" he asked, incredulously. "Of all the names I could give you, you want me to call you that? d'Anjou is the name of a dead guy...pretty creepy you want to be called that. And no, I don't think I deserved that...it's not normal to argue with and push over someone who's giving you a compliment."

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne helped Richard up as she groaned when he saw his frown she hated frown and this was not actually making her happy, so what if she wanted to be called miss D'anjou that was her late husbands name and it was still her name till the day she died Öh come Richard you hate it because its my lates husbands name that you hate it" she growled and crossed her arms and started to look at the flowers and grabbed them smelling them as she broke the package and started to make a crown of flowers while leaning on the death stone.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

"Öh come Richard you hate it because its my lates husbands name that you hate it"

"Precisely. Late. As in dead. It's creepy. Surely-"

Richard would have said more but it was at this point that Anne snatched the flowers from his hand, smelled them then began to fashion them into what looked like a crown, all the while leaning casually against the headstone.

"Speaking of dead, those were for my father's grave," he said, indignantly. He then remembered his original intention in seeing her and changed tack at once. "But if you want them, go ahead and take them. Consider it a gift from me to you."

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Anne chucklen at Richard when he said that the flowers were for his father which she chuckled and sat down and finished the crown, "We can set in his grave then sir, I wish no flower from thee "she chirped and started to head towards the plantagent lawn as fast as she could hoping to loose richard in the process. "I hope you fall down and die" she screamed and laughed as she was in a rather good mood today.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

At Richard's comment Anne did exactly what Richard hoped she wouldn't do. She finished the crown, and very nice it looked too, but then she proceeded to say that she didn't want flowers from him and that she would go put the crown on his father's grave anyway.

Drat and double drat.

Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, Anne stood up and, still holding the crown, began to move as fast as she could towards the Plantagenet Lawn. When I say fast, I mean she ran.

And Richard couldn't run.

"I hope you fall down and die"

Anne's voice was scarily jovial as she hurried away. Richard shot Edward's grave a look as if to say "What did you do to her, you moron, this is all your fault, I'm glad I killed you" before moving as fast as his legs would allow after Anne.

Somehow he managed to catch up, although he was very out of breath for a moment or two.

"That...wasn't very funny..." he reprimanded.

[ANNE SOPHIE PLANTAGENET]

Seeing Richard at a distance trying to catch up with her she could only cackle in laughter as she really was very amused by the sudden outcome of how things had appeared.

"Richards you slow poke.." she said and poked his chest as she sighed and turned around to face the grave.

"Yes it was.. since you have made me misrable I have decided to in turn make your life a hell, I sometimes wish to actually commit suicide and go to my beloved but my son keeps me strong I wish not for him to go into a family of frogs. "she told Richard and set down the crown.

Crossing her arms and looked away, a sudden breeze forming up.

[RICHARD PLANTAGENET]

"Richards you slow poke.."

Richard frowned at Anne's words (not to mention her poking him) and was considering poking her back just because he could, when she turned away from him.

"Yes it was.. since you have made me misrable I have decided to in turn make your life a hell, I sometimes wish to actually commit suicide and go to my beloved but my son keeps me strong I wish not for him to go into a family of frogs. "

Richard looked aghast.

"I didn't mean to make you miserable!" he said hurriedly. "I only killed Edward because I love you! That's no reason to make my life hell! Speaking of killing, if you killed yourself I'd probably do the same...I can't live without you Anne, surely you can see that!" He looked at her pleadingly, eyes wide, beseeching her to see reason and listen to him.

He decided to let the frog comment slide.